Friends currently on FB chat...

...listed as I call them in my head.

-Funny girl I've never talked to that 'likes' errthang I do
-Super cool cousin I've met twice and want to be like/steal boyfriend from
-Former trainer/dykiest straight chick ever
-Good friend who's profile photo is still that of his dead dog. Sympathy...but take it down, yo
-Kid I met at a fake modeling gig whose beej-virginity I took
-Kinda needy boring would-look-good-minus-15-lbs chat guy
-Chick I met once through friends who thought I was funny so we like her
-Saskatoon friend with amazing hair and a huge ass I will never get all up in
-High school choir friend whose pubes I saw that one time
-Obese suburban friend with whom I have tons in common, obesity not withstanding
-High school best friend WHO NEEDS TO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT SONG SHE WANTS ME TO SING AT HER WEDDING IN 3 WEEKS
-Jew Gay with big ears
-Morbidly obese cousin
-Mother of the husband of the sister of a good friend who posts stupid shit about bunnies and breast cancer (sorry)
-Cantor who gave me a handy-j in Israel
-Guy who might sell me drugs if the first 5 people I call are not answering
-Aw, she was fun!
-Cousin with undisclosed mental retardation (legit)
-Hot South African that stole the role of Tevye from me by playing him with a Jamaican accent
-Macedonian friend of a friend who is so good-looking I want to bone then kill him
-Brazilian kid from Manhunt I have never talked to
-Demi-midget
-Bird girl that had a kid at 21


Sorry. Twitter has taken all the singular funny things I think about that normally become blog posts and turned them instant 140-character gratification. So just follow me on Twitter. Plus, I've accrued almost twice the followers there in two months than I have here in 7 years...so, ya know, suck on that.

5 Little Known Facts About This Kid

1. I know I gotta eat lettuce and stuff, but I feel that it subverts the pleasure of eating so rather than make a salad I like to just cut off a big chunk and eat it like a carrot. No dressing. Like a fucking man.

2. I have 2 out of 4 DVDs of the third season of Will & Grace because the "friend" that gave it to me thought it would be "cute" if we "shared" them. I think she's a "cheap-ass bitch." These ain't no travelin' pants.

3. People are always really, really surprised when they find out I've never been to Europe, which I've started to interpret as everyone thinking I'm a abnormally stuck up. Well, congrats on having been to London for 5 days on your grade 11 history trip. You still have a unibrow and no money.

4. I don't like getting frisky before bed or first thing in the morning. I'm tired. Fuck off. Plus, neither a Xanax or morning breath are particularly aphrodisialical. Or something. Come see me, like, before lunch or after the gym and than we'll talk nipple tweaking.

5. I'm on Twitter @theillustriousd. This one isn't funny, just fucking true. So get on that shit. I talk about black bus drivers always being late and why I'll die alone. Probably cause of the racism.

True Hollywood Story: Moses

Today, while sitting in da 'gogue, the Rabbi Older-Than-Elijah began his sermon by saying, "We know very little about Moses..."

Anticipating (correctly) the coming 20-minute snooze cycle, I whispered to Mark, "His favourite colour was blue."

Mark replied, "He was a big fan of Britney's early work."

The following is a Top Ten Little Known Facts About Moses that we composed during the remainder of the sermon:


10. His bar mitzvah reception was at the Olive Garden.

9. His favourite films were The Ten Commandments and Gigli.

8. He used Charmin Ultra exclusively.

7. He was executive producer on Children of Israel Behaving Badly VII.

6. Favourite song: Donna Summer's Bad Girls.

5. He once bought 3 "52% off Old Navy" Groupons.

4. Dislikes: burning shrubbery, armies of Pharoah, dill pickle potato chips

3. He created the trendy mixed cocktail Red Sea Breeze.

2. Loved the pan-flute, the NRA and was a backer of Howard The Duck.

1. He was Team Edward.

Big City Acronyms

SCR (Streetcar Rape): What I long to do to an average of 2.8 people per day whilst aboard public transportation. I'm sitting across from one now. His mouth is saying "no," but his eyes are saying, "I can't even be bothered to look up from my iPhone to acknowledge that you exist." My kinda lovah.

AW (the Asian Weave): Needing to veer around my oriental friends who, despite their ability to do an invisible hem stitch in under 8 seconds, cannot appear to move their legs quicker than half a mile per hour. Nor their cars.

SH (Singing Hobo): Fine, I don't really have a definition for this one. I just put two words together and thought it was funny. K, let me come up with one now. Argh. Thinking. So hard. Oh got it! Most of my opera friends by the time they're 35! Ouch. That's mean. Funny though and what is our motto over here at Fleekiin Floygn? Funny Before Friends. Suck it, friends.

HSL (Homicidal Subway Lady): I wanna know what the HR department over at the Toronto Transit Committee was smoking when they hired their voice actor that does the automaton voice for all the subway stops. She sounds like Kathy Bates in Fear. When she announces "Keele" stop, I think that the voices in my head are acting up ago. When she announces "Old Mill" I get the most horrific Die Schone Mullerin daymares (holy shit, that's actually a word!). Bitch be crazy.

GWBWTFA (George W. Bush Without the Fun Alcoholism): Our new mayor. Oh wait…

My streetcar rape victim is getting off the now. It's fine though, since I already did.

Shit My Dad Says: Crazy Hungarian Edition

Illustrious D: Ugh, that guy has total gay face.
Crazy Hungarian Fajhah: What's gay face?
ID: When a gay guy has facial features that are extremely feminine.
CHF: Oh, like with you and your hips?


CHF: Goddamnit! You boys need to stop being so hung up about sex! If you want to have people sleepover, just do it and don't be embarrassed! You get that from your mother's side. It's no big deal! I used to see my sister naked all the time.


ID: Dad, soup smells great! Did you put sausage in it?
CHF: Nope, best hot dogs money can buy.


CHF: You call those oysters? I've picked boogers bigger than those.


CHF: Look at Mr. Money Bags, spending $30 on a haircut. Guess how much mine costs. Twelve dollars and Ernesto does a great job. Actually, he raised it to thirteen. We're gonna have words.


CHF: Did that friend of yours put on a bit of weight? It looks great on her. Nothing wrong with a little something to grab, right honey?


CHF: Do you take half and half in your coffee? I can make it creamy for you.

My self-esteem needs a shower

Once upon a time, the pictures that I uploaded linked themselves so that you could see the larger format, but now the blogging gods have deemed me unworthy of such privelege and thus have relegated my lowly readership to squinting just so they can marvel at the amazing detail I pour into every piece I create.

As such, I have made a top 10 list of my favourite words on my blog Wordle, the idea of which was coopted from Nigel at corndogpenis.blogspot.com:

10. Um - Way to start off with a bang, Wordle. But yeah, I use 'um' way too much.

9. Dildo - No witty comment. I just like that it was included.

8. Bechamel - See, you think I'm classy, but no.

7. Pizzas - Plural.

6. Members - Not as in joint associates of a common club or organization, but rather, penii.

5. Back Pocket - Okay, I realize it's two words, but 'pocket' is inside of the B of 'back' and I thought that was kinda cool in a very Alanis Morissette circa 1996 kinda way. Fine, admittedly not my best blog post ever.

4. Awkward - Just like #5.

3. Magic - as in, comma Black.

2. High - Which clearly I was when I thought this would be a fun post.

1. Failed Many - One on top of each other in my Word and far too telling in my life.


NEXT TIME: I reimagine ABBA lyrics from the perspective of an abductee.



UPDATE: For some reason, this one picture, the one on which I based my whole "Blogger is a whore that hates me and my small penis photos," decided to link all big-like. Even my attempts at failure fail. I am so Garfield on a Monday right now.

I Love the Smell of Douches in the Morning

The following is a list of Douchey McDouche-Douchersons that I saw whilst waiting for the streetcar this morning.

1. Popped-collared Douche - *sigh* HOW IS THIS STILL OKAY? No. Just no. Never. Unless it's a jacket. But a polo shirt? From motherfucking Guess?! With writing on the part that should be flipped down?! It's like douchery is in their mission statement. Die in a fire.

2. Obnoxiously Loud Music Douche - Why is it that you never hear Beethoven being blasted through ridiculously over-sized but ineffective earphones? Gimme some ABBA or something! But no. It is always, as you know, gangsta rap and hip hop. Misogyny and drive-by shootings used to be the worst things about ghetto music. No more.

3. Black-in-Brown Douche - There was a black lady in clothing the exact same colour as her skin. Okay, this is not douchey. Perhaps just misguided. Brown is a fantastic colour, but if you can't pull it off (not unlike your own skin) then just accept that this is your lot in life. I mean, do you see me wearing kinda-rosy-with-receding-hair-gimpy-times-coloured clothing? No, you do not.

4. Guy-Who-Lives-In-My-Building-But-Never-Says-Hi Douche - Okay, this one may be kinda self-explanatory. But seriously. Not even a smile? I know you're thinner and have better shoes than me and probably live with an equally austere Asian girl, but c'mon. Sidenote: Asian girls with white boyfriends are my people.

5. Girl-With-Mary-Janes-And-Socks Douche - Hey, Dorothy: no.

6. Offspring-Abandoning Douche - You know what?! I am so sick of all these women that lend their uterii to gay couples and then go off to have a illustrious show choir coaching careers only to turn around and plot to make their long-lost daughters discover them and then be all "I can't be your mom but let's break it down with some acoustic GaGa first, mmk?"

...

Okay, that one might just have been last night's Glee. I'm losing my credibility mad quickly.

7. Guy-From-My-Apartment Douche - Yesterday evening (not this morning, but it still makes the list) I met a chat friend. He is young and overweight and comes from a crazy, crazy Evangelical Pentecostal family that has indoctrinated him to the point that I didn't even rebut any of the messed up hick garbage he spewed at me cause it was just so ridiculous. It was like being at a one-man Log Cabin Republicans meeting. He also had that grating habit of being 19*, wherein he mistook his opinions with facts. I kinda wanted to punch him in his admittedly-unshaven balls. Then, as we're at the door, he somehow launches himself into the air and lands on my lips. At first I resist but then I am reminded of how 19 year olds kiss and I'm all mmmmmmmm and so I let him for a while but then I kinda hovered above myself and was like, "Um, what are you doing? He's 19. And kind of a dick." My kicking out of him was met with surprise and initially resistance but finally, I managed to convince him to leave. He took 5 minutes to lace up his $29.99 Shoe Warehouse travesties and then was all (fat) wounded puppy as he left. Hmmm. Maybe I'm the douche.



* 26 (my age) ÷ 2 = 13, +7 = 20. Damnit! Also, ugh.

I am seriously pissed

This Easter weekend was pretty pathetic, with me spending the majority of my time faux-convalescing in silk pj bottoms on my aunt and uncle's bed (house sitting again), catching up on streaming TV shows, searching in almost-vain to find a hot tubbing companion and eating more matzoh than my colon would like to admit. The final evening ended in near-suicide while in a car with two Cher-loving flight attendants. I will post a bitchatinous entry on this tomorrow as the wounds are too fresh, but in the meantime there's something pressing that I must address.

Some other d-bag has now given me one of these:




Look, people, I can't deal with this shiz. If you are going to give me praise I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.

Evidently, this recognition for writing about stupid shit that happens to me came with a caveat that I overlooked last time, specifically that the recipient is required to reveal five little/un known things about them. So as punishment to Ryan or Jason or Achmed, whoever writes soft nonsense, I'm gonna go all emo (shocking) in...


My 5 Purty Things 'Bout Me

1. Like, omg. I, too, also had really weird associations with chewing food on the same side! Lemme 'splain: First off, I always favoured the right side, so every pattern would have to finish on the right. I would start on the left and then go to the right (L-R), then the next time it would have to reverse so you wind up with (L-R, R-L), 'cept now I'm ending on the left so it then becomes (L-R-R-L, R-L-L-R) and the madness would continue. Some kids are molested by their Uncle Carl; I had eating algorithms. My point? We're all a bit fucked up.

2. Older readers will be familiar with the "Not So Tiny Tim" tag and newer readers are probably staying up wondering what the crap that's all about. Essentially, the NSTT tag denotes posts relating to a medical condition I have called CIDP. I gave a brief explanation about it here, so feel free to peruse at your leisure, but it pretty much boils down to this: I fall down a lot. Sometimes this is funny, more often it is just embarrassing. It doesn't really effect people around me that much, although witnessing one of my splendiforous tumbles is a friendship rite o' passage, but it pretty much informs every physical movement that I make. And for those asking why I can't get it together to rehabilitate my lazy ass, well, I have no answers for you. And also, shaddup.

3. I've never been in a long term relationship. I'll give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor and throw something at the gob that just smacked you. All done? Excellent. Unlike my inability to hold down an exercise routine as mentioned above, I really have no answers for you on this one. My friends (claim to) love me, I am constantly being told I'm good dating material and am routinely approached by suitors. Unfortunately, they tend to leave me pretty cold. I suffer from that awesome self-hating affliction of not having the slightest interest in a person once they've appeared interested in me. Clearly, this means that there is something wrong with them. We may be gearing up for spring clothing, but my subconscious self-loathing is in fashion year round!


4. The only reason I drink, do drugs or grope strangers is cause I am bored. Incidentally, preeeeeetty big factor in blog writing, too. This is why I will never be an addict. It's not that I love the sensation of being messed up or felt up all that much; I just have nothing better to do at that moment, which is clearly healthier than addiction...


5. The only time I cry is when watching melodramatic television shows. It only happens once or twice a year, usually after a period of duress and with many non-network show lead ups of misty eyes, usually while listening to Wicked. The last huge bawl came about a year ago (oh shit, I'm due!) during Grey's Anatomy, with a near-cry occurring a month ago while watching the Desperate Housewives where Linette dreams about having a gimpy son and how she forces him to be independent and made me all, "Why didn't my parents do that? Waaaaaah. Oh wait, why didn't I?..." In any case, ABC is responsible for a solid 1/4 of my Kleenex output. The rest? Fist babies.


Okay, now that that nonsense is over, I have to pass this on to 5 other bloggers. My way rebellious theme is Bloggers That Have Ridiculous Amounts of Followers and Will Never Read This In a Million Years. The buck stops with me! Also, they're awesome.


Livin the Dream - Cause there needs to be one straight guy that I read. Sorry, Achmed.

Steam Me Up, Kid... - Cause her dog is black and so am I.

30 is the new 13 - Cause 25 is the new 18. Until May 4th when I turn 26. Mark it in yo calenduhs, bitchezzzzzzz.

HAPSICAL - Cause it's a really awesome fashion blog and also I'm getting desperate.

ecostems - Cause this is the guy I went out with last weekend he seems half decent and three quarters sexeh.


Yeah, I got nothing left at this point. If I were a male orgasm, it's pretty much just be air and lint comin' out.



NEXT TIME: How many remixes of "Believe" is too much? Evidently, not 17.

For your inconsideration...

I don't really have anything to write about as I've spent most of the last 36 in my apartment being completely insular. However, I feel that I must respond to this very generous, very premature (like many of my older suitors) Prolific Blogger Award:

.


It was given to me by Patrick in an act that some have called "incredibly sweet" (friend S) and others "clearly retarded" (my father). My own feelings on the subject lay somewhere in the middle. While I am so so so grateful for Pat's promotion and the consequent new readership (hi, y'all), I feel somewhat undeserving and unprepared for the repercussions this brings to my world. Let's break it down shall we?

1. Praise - I love it, but I can't really handle it. I can write cantankerous ramblings about the smallest minutiae of my day and get off on those jollies, but I don't do so well with the good stuff. Though you'd never know it from this blog, good stuff does actually happen to me. Sometimes. Okay, like, this morning, I wanted a crepe but I ALSO wanted an omelette so I poured the crepe batter in the pan, let it set for a while before adding the omelette mixture and then the cheese and veggies and then it was like amazing, y'all!...Ok, but see, that's boring as fuck. What does this have to do with praise? Nothing really, I just wanted to talk about my breakfast because I CANNOT DEAL WITH PRAISE.

2. Paying-It-Forward - The other part of this award is that I now have to give it out to seven (7!) other blogs. Now if you'll casually glance to the sidebar on the left...other left...a bit upwards...there ya go... you will see that I have been blogging since 2005. While this is true, the first four years were spent writing for myself and a few friends. Was it still ribald? Frequently. Was there a lot of weird poetry and emo shit? You betcha. It's only in the past, oh, 3 months that I've actually been exploring other blogs and so while I don't mind naming 7 blogs that I like to read, they're essentially the only blogs I read, so it's not like there's a mad rush to the door, physically or virtually hurting each other in the hopes of catching the bridal bouquet that is the Prolific Blogger Award I will be tossing. Mixed metaphor. Anyway, that said, here are 7 blogs that I like and hopefully someone else will too:


1. The Sassy Curmudgeon - This woman has my life. Blissfully married writer in New York that talks about fashion, reality television and dessert all with élan and Caucasian Ebonics. Her diagrams have been known to elicit such hysterics from me that I've had to muffle myself with a staple remover to keep my boss from noticing. It was also through her comments section that Patrick stumbled onto this dumbass gong show of a blog, so big ups for that, too.

2. DC Cised - Young, gay and frequently caustic, this one first got me into exploring the blogosphere. My friends, still rather wary of the interacting with others on line have chosen to refer to this exploration as my "Soon to be making his premiere on To Catch a Predator" phase. Hint #83 that I should stop dating teenagers.

3. Je Mange La Ville - an amazing food blog written out of Portland. Healthy, indulgent, real food. Tons of pictures and really clear step-by-steps. She loves food and her output reflects this. Also, I've done entire gluten/sugar/animal-free cleanses with recipes modified from Michelle's blog. I think she's a sweetheart.

4. The Queer Behind the Mirror - Kama is a recent net friend who is currently writing his thesis. His frustrations with this as well as those with his genitalia make for an interestingly intellectual read. He's also half Indian and half black, so...adorable.

5. Adventures in Reasoning - Stephanie is an awesome chick I worked with back at the Winnipeg Fringe Festival. She is currently blogging about her month-long acting intensive in NYC and her wanderings make for lovely little reads that bring much New York envy.

6. Minty Fresh! - Another young, gay, Asian-American blogger from Cali. Tells lovely (detailed!) stories of his flings and family. Also has lots of great links to other blogs/sites on his sidebar.

7. Caligula Sanchez - This blog definitely comes with a NSFW corollary, as its author is a male sex worker who discusses his life in and out of his work. I find it brave, fascinating and often amusing but it's not for everyone, so if you venture there, do so embracingly.


That's it, folks. Again, a huge thanks to Pat and stay tuned for tomorrow's post when I go back to being an asshole.

5 Things That I Love Right Now That Have Nothing To Do With Two Glasses Of Wine

1. Frozen Snickers Bars - omagod, have you ever tried one?! How about just a third of one?! They are aMAzing!!!!!!!

2. My New Snickers Belt - A girl that I know made me a belt - wait for it - made out of snickers bars. Well, the wrappers. And plastic. And a buckle. And a bunchaotherstuff BUT it is awesome! She also gave me three (3) of the snickers in a small plastic baggy which I then froze (see point number 1).

3. Parks & Recreation - And no, not just cause of the wine. Big part of it, though.

4. Fiona Apple - J.H.C. that bitch is amazing.

5. Finally convincing someone else that Chelsea Lately is amazing - Thank God for aw (her initials, not otomatopeia). She gets me and my me-isms.

Tomorrow when I'm a bit hung over at work I will compile a list of 5 Things That I Hate Right Now That Have Nothing To Do With The Fact That I'm A Dumbass That Drank Two Glasses Of Wine On A Weeknight. And it will actually be funny. Maybe.

10 Things I Have Learned From Manhunt

10. The definition of 'slim' is not universal.

9. Nothing says "Looking for a long distance relationship" more than shirtless, headless photos.

8. Most people do not like Asians.

7. Some people fucking love Asians.

6. No one that is out of the closet wears boxers.

5. To be a gay man means two things: You are physically and/or emotionally attractive to other men; you do not know the difference between "your" and "you're."

4. No one looks good in pink boy briefs.

3. "Just an average guy" is code for possessing the 3 Bad B's of Heterosexuality: beer gut, baseball cap, butt foliage.

2. If someone appears too nice, they're ESL.

1. I need to stop going on Manhunt.

Top 100 Facebook Status Updates of 2009

The Illustrious D...

is secretly glad that you're fat

misses you at times but then when he looks at your Facebook status it magically goes away

is still in his pimpin' robe. Grad school application: done!

is buttoning his Benjamins tonight

is looking for someone who knows Greek. No, the language.

has very loose pants. And morals.

just watched Ryan Seacrest try to high-five a blind guy

- worth leaving your husband for

is dancing as he has been informed that it's gonna be ok.

is tin roof. Rusted.

looks too oot oopples oond boonoonoos

feels that it is time for everyone to stop refering to the release of an album as 'dropping'. Also, get off his lawn

feels a bit off today. Would anyone care to turn him on?

is doing the No Work Tomorrow dance. It's not pretty.

is no croque, monsieur!

just inhaled that Caprese salad!...He means, steak. He inhaled that steak.

can't decide if the Carpenters are retro-cool or retro-crap

just sold his soul. It feels...not bad.

has receive for Valentine's Day thus far a Facebook gift of nothing and a chocolate trifle from his mom.

is ridiculously proud of himself for not eating the entire trifle

+ disturbed sleep + 5 shots of espresso = talking about a stranger's muffin

is too sexy for his Whitestrips®

is vibrating from fatigue, espresso.

is gonna go all auto-da-fe on his mailbox.

defies Mr. Men

is processing

wishes he WAS at Arby's cause there'd be better food and cooler people!

likes people liking him attending an event

tasted the rainbow. It was crap.

loves peach tea. Now that's the real rainbow, beehatch.

has made an amazing banana

bread at last. Martha got pwned

Destroyer of Bananas

is overwhelmed by cheese and time.

is the love phoenix

could never be your woman.

said there would be days like this, there would be days like this, David said. David said, David said!

is praying for sleep. Baruch atah Adonai, elohenu Melech ha'olam...sleep.

is ever just the same, ever a surprise.

has two voice types, high and low. He sings both. Most people can only sing one.

is continuing his trend of getting into musicals starring Idina Menzel six years after their debut. He likes a sure bet.

has the solution for matzah-induced constipation: four glasses of wine.

would like some happiness in pill form. kthx.

is going to ingest the entire Safeway bakery tomorrow night.

is everything you need; you better rock your body now.

is making a Zen garden in his hummus.

feels there ought to be more fatties at the gym. Where my hambeasts at?!

thanks his liver for putting up with last night's shenanigans. You kicked ass, L-Town.

is pondering the odd correlation between people who love God and cooking with marshmallows.

is in love with Emily Haines's [i] vowel.

doesn't remember that rush of

joy. The rose and the pearl? Wasn't born for 'em.

thinks that someone needs spellcheck. And yes, if you think he's talking about you, then it's you. Moran.

is the tiniest bit unlike he anticipated.

feels that LeVar Burton is under the impression that he is really quite cool.

is like a lead safe, but with a moustache and a learning disorder.

opens doors for old ladies. Well, the hot ones.

is cuddly, bitch! Deal with it.

wants to live on Jay Brannan's lips.

is moving to Toronto in the middle of Pride. Baptism by flamey, flamey fire.

hid under your porch because he loves you

is going to throw up on the next Hollister shirt he sees.

is your sweetest downfall.

is applying for emotional robothood.

is keeping his love locked down.

is taking himself on a date tonight.

is renaming it So You Think You Can Bawl Like A Little Girl.

is celebrating Shabbat by going to shul and eating Iranian food. UN, eat your heart out.

is your biggest fan, he'll follow you until you love him, paparazzim.

// Me protège de lui que je desire.

can indeed attest to the difficulty of this physical geography for a prostitutional manager.

wishes he could consume frozen desserts with the same caloric abandon as the Golden Girls.

thanks you for the appearance in his romantic reconciliation dream last night. It's comforting to know that you can act like a human being in his subconscious, if not actual life.

is dabbling in hobby alcoholism.

O...M...G... Stop %*&ing voting for Evan cause you know what happens when you do, people? Babies lose the ability to laugh and I forget to form my status in the goddamn third person singular!!!!!!!

wishes everyone a very happy Tori Day.

needs a new muse.

is weakened by apathy. And the flu.

is the next best thing to Tim Gunn.

has developed an all too natural attachment to sweetened condensed milk.

is playing with power tools, his life.

is going to watch a redheaded Russian Jew bang on a piano for a couple hours.

likes something a little creamier...

has discovered the secret to Life: (sequentially) nap, pee, eat a cookie.

is always punching guys...girls... He'll punch a baby, he doesn't care...

likes it. Does this intrinsically imply that he should have put a ring on it?

is trying to close a Pandora's Box with a broken lock.

- "Without sex, dating is just letting people annoy you."

encounters the most baffling of angels at times.

is checking into the Choirgirl Hotel one more time.

has renewed faith in cabbies.

thinks that John Krasinski looks like he'd be a great hugger.

Can someone make this happen? Thanks.

won't stop believeing, holding on to that fee-ee-ee-ling.

is the proud new owner of purple argyle underwear.

won't let them begin the Beguine.

is like the angle opposite the hypotenuse. He's always right.

will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. He will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, he will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

will call you Gaga if he damn well pleases!

is pondering what kind of disease a cured ham could have had.

is gonna punch the next homosexual male that uses Lady GaGa lyrics in their Facebook status. Straight in their Poker Face.

just got his first non-friend blog comment and is pathetically elated with how quickly his plans for gay blog world domination is coming.

has good lips