Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Still Lazy, Still Unoriginal

I don't think this rendition is as funny as the first, but the roommate tells me she enjoyed it so I'm-a post it anyway. If it's shitty, you can letterbomb her. Put a smiley face next to the stamp. That'll be our code.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My father needs a proofreader like whoa

Hello parents,

I've attached my summative evaluation from the first practicum for your perusal. In reading this, you may find yourself asking if it was sent with the intention of bragging. The answer to this question is: absolutely correct! I am bragging my ass off! That said, I hope you'll enjoy reading something positive about your eldest and you may chide me later for my braggart ways. However, for the time being, WHOOPIE!!!!!!


OK, Mom hasn't seen this yet but I have just read it and yes, you have every right to be proud of this exceptional evaluation. I am so proud of you for practicing that which has been suggested to you on many occasion......exceed expectations! Indeed you did and then some!! Good on you but don't let it go to your head... now that you have set the bar this high on your first practicum, achieving it again and again will be no easy task. In fact, you probably will not be able to and not for lack of trying but due to other factors not in your control. Whatever happens, always keep trying to do your best and know that you will be one fine 'teacher in an honourable profession. Carpe Diem tous les jours!! Love 'ya! Dad

Way to keep me humble, Daddy.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Why I will never be in porn

This would be waaaaaay too much pressure:

Lazy and Unoriginal

Friday, December 03, 2010

Big City Acronyms

SCR (Streetcar Rape): What I long to do to an average of 2.8 people per day whilst aboard public transportation. I'm sitting across from one now. His mouth is saying "no," but his eyes are saying, "I can't even be bothered to look up from my iPhone to acknowledge that you exist." My kinda lovah.

AW (the Asian Weave): Needing to veer around my oriental friends who, despite their ability to do an invisible hem stitch in under 8 seconds, cannot appear to move their legs quicker than half a mile per hour. Nor their cars.

SH (Singing Hobo): Fine, I don't really have a definition for this one. I just put two words together and thought it was funny. K, let me come up with one now. Argh. Thinking. So hard. Oh got it! Most of my opera friends by the time they're 35! Ouch. That's mean. Funny though and what is our motto over here at Fleekiin Floygn? Funny Before Friends. Suck it, friends.

HSL (Homicidal Subway Lady): I wanna know what the HR department over at the Toronto Transit Committee was smoking when they hired their voice actor that does the automaton voice for all the subway stops. She sounds like Kathy Bates in Fear. When she announces "Keele" stop, I think that the voices in my head are acting up ago. When she announces "Old Mill" I get the most horrific Die Schone Mullerin daymares (holy shit, that's actually a word!). Bitch be crazy.

GWBWTFA (George W. Bush Without the Fun Alcoholism): Our new mayor. Oh wait…

My streetcar rape victim is getting off the now. It's fine though, since I already did.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

On seasonal temptation

McStoony is an internet cum real life friend from the prairies who has a pretty face, amazing hair, disproportionately large eyebrows and an ass to match them. It's a good thing he does not live here, as that would inevitably wind up in a predictably unrequited love situation. As it exists, however, he does not and is therefore a lovely friend that I enjoy from afar, primarily on Facebook chat.

Illustrious D: There is something fundamentally unsatisfying about going into a Starbucks around Christmas and ordering a tea.

McStoony: that's because you're supposed to get a eggnog chai latte

ID:I know
But I'm also supposed to not have a fat ass.
Although, let's be real, by the end of this month that fact is just inevitable.

MS: do jews even drink eggnog?

ID: yep
eggnog and manischwewitz
never heard of it?

MS: i'm on my second helping of chinese food... for lunch. fuck my fat life.

ID: fmfl

MS: haha. thanks. fmfl

ID: it's funny cause everybody knows that m is the fattest letter in the alphabet

MS: :'(:'(
it's so true