Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Most amazing quote from my pretend life partner Jay Brannan:

"I always wanted to be bulimic but I have no gag reflex. So pretty much, you can either be skinny or give great head."

Which would you choose? Given that I haven't been to the gym in about 5 days, I'm thinking that proficiency in oral sex is clearly my calling.

Otherwise, not a lot. In Toronto, not having the best day. Job interview yesterday that went well, if a bit Jewy. The guy looked like the photographer from Just Shoot Me in a yamulka. Apartment hunting is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be now that I realize what $900 gets you in this town. To make matters worse, my parents told about this amazing building with a fitness room and rooftop terrace... and rent starting at about $1,200. Why is my dad such a bitch?

Pride was fun, though I had one of those fateful nights that are equally impossible to plan as they are to forget. It was amazement embodied in what I nearly possessed, if you can ever actually own someone. Coming face to face with what I almost had has left me with an emotional hangover, which is resulting in not going out today and eating a lot of cheese. Unfortunately, my aunt and uncle don't eat any cheese that are remotely comforting. Neither a brie nor Camembert in sight. It's hard to get an endorphin rush off of parm reggiano and stoned wheat thins. Entertainment value in a city where you know only a handful of people and like only some of them is rather low. My hetero lifeline is doing a bang up job at being a one person support system, but it's unfair to ask any more of him. I miss the comforts of easy friendships at home, those that know your history, all of your rememberthattime?s.

Only 6 more weeks of this nomadic bullshit.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Well now seems as good a time as any to do a little Toronto update.

Despite having only been here for three days, the city is really starting to feel like home. Exhibit A: I've already lost my wallet on public transit and recovered it within 2 hours. Exhibit: I've already tripped over gravity. Not fallen down, but lunged just so as to jar my back enough to remain in child's pose in the YMCA quiet stretching room for a good 56 minutes.

I've already seen two apartments. Well, the first one was technically rented by the time I TTC'ed my ass down there, so technically only one. Shaddup. In the end, I think it was all for the best as my immaculately ruined collection for discounted designer clothes didn't really match the melted lime Popsicle and immigrant families congregating around the front entrance. The second place was better. Obviously. It was on a lovely side street in the village (yes, I'm trying to rediscover my love for teh ghey) and was only half the size and $250 more in rent than my current place. Not bad! Not great either, though. At least the current tenant who showed me the place was cute and also a GLBTTQIX;3& community member. We even had a bonding moment over our shared purchase of a Superstore 'Japanese' screen. Not enough of a bonding moment for afternoon delight, but I would guess that sweet lovin' would have gone down had the next other potential tenant not shown up and had I not grown gills from the copious amounts of sweat dripping down my pits from all that lovely Toronto humidity. Damn other potential tenant...

Job-hunting (the dowdy, not nearly as fun cousin of apartment-hunting) has also commenced with resume polishing and cover letter compositions a-go-go. I've found some meh-looking jobs to investigate and hope to secure something for mid-August as quickly as possible. There's just so much welder/linecook/surrogate cow impregnation work out there for which I am waaaay too overqualified. There are also, apparently, several positions which I am not qualified. Evidently, Bay Street is not ready for sound financial advice from a 25 year old music graduate. I'm-a call antisemetic, homophobic gimp-hating shenanigans on this one.

More later. Passing out in a pool of my own sweat now.

Friday, June 12, 2009

So Auntie just sent me a digital photo frame and I know they're suppose to be all cool and expensive and shit but here's my problem:

The actual frame is slightly more panoramic than standard photo sizes, but rather than just crop the photos to the correct dimensions, it actually just stretches them out, making my face look even rounder than normal and my ass like Kim Kardashian's. Trite pop culture reference aside, I'm sure you can sympathize with my dilemma. Consequently, I've now how to resort to both bulemia and diuretics to stem the extra kick to my body dysmophia.

With this in mind, I've decided to open up the first interactive Fleekin Floygn comments forum to help me with my potential assular tenderness. I anticipate getting fives of responses, people.


Toilet Paper Techniques

Potential Talking Points:

- How many squares?
- To fold or not to fold?
- Flying Dutchman: fact or fiction?
- How do the Charmin bears even buy TP? They have no income!
- Courtesy flush: basic politeness or wasteful Earth-ending environmental shenanigan?

This is disgusting. I'm so bored.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Sarah is threatening assault with a semi-automatic weapon so I suppose I should update, lest she gets her Columbine on.

Um, what to say though?

I haven't really been in a blogging mood for the past couple months, most likely because I'm so tired all the time from having to wake up at 5:30 while the big dummies upstairs don't STFU until midnight or later. I write angry mental letters to them nightly. Of course, by the time morning comes, I puss out and continue on until the anger reemerges later that night.

I have a new boyfriend. Well, in my head I do. His name is Jay Brannan and he is that rare combination of beautiful, talented and just as fucked up as I am. Despite having played a model in the movie Shortbus (he's primarily a singer-songwriter) , the man named his last tour the "Fat is a State of Mind, Not a Shape Tour". Be still, my neurotic heart. It's actually to the point where I can't watch him on Youtube because he's too beautiful not to be in my pants.

Who says I'm not a romantic?

Apart from that (and aiming to watch every episode of So You Think You Can Dance?), all I'm doing is preparing to go to Toronto. And by "preparing" I mean watching Chelsea Lately videos and going to the gym every second day. I have this theory that if I just show up in Toronto, then my new life there will just fall into place. Could happen. Afterall, that's kind of how my life in Winnipeg has gone.


We'll see.