Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I think there should be a handbook or guide for straight men to read regarding interacting with less-then-straight men, cause really the social awkwardness and misconceptions are staggeringly hilarious. I will attempt to outline the top 5 key chapters:

1. We don't want to have sex with you. Ok, some of us do, but for the most part, we're really not that interested. We may find you very attractive but we're not out to get you. It's like your pretend lesbians in those lovely little movies you boys watch. You know you haven't got a shot in hell, just kinda fun to look at. And if you're getting checked out be a guy that is very high praise. We have very high standards, much more so than women. So take it as a compliment.

2. We don't think you're one of us. In fact, we know that you aren't. You know that gaydar thing? Yeah, it's real. Also, we know you like to act all revulsed at the thought of another guy but you're not fooling anyone. You know when another guy is attractive; you just aren't attracted to him. We recognize this major definitional difference and so should you. Dicks don't gross you out; you have one. It's just the only one that interests you (and boy, does it ever). We find women hot all the time, in fact we idolize their beauty so much that some of us dress up like them. But I digress. Unless you actually have a desire to kiss stubble (and soberly, you crazy hazing frat boys) you haven't got a drop of 'mo in you.

3. Stop being afraid of the ass. There is a major taboo with all things to do with that particular orifice, but there are also things to learn about it. Such as it's the location of your g-spot. Betchya didn't know that. That's why so many of us enjoy...well, whatever, details aren't necessary. Not all of us like it though. In fact, while most gay guys have experimented, lots don't really find it all that special. It's all a matter of taste. That said, it can be really fun if you just relax and let it be. So we're not saying buy your girlfriend a strap on and go to town, but stop being so sqeamish about it. And your girlfriends tell us everything, so for those of you that do enjoy the odd poke and prod, mazel tov.

4. We don't do the back-slap hug. We embrace. It leads to fewer welts and feels better. Some of us cheek kiss or even do lip pecks (although We think that's a bit much) but when it comes to showing affection for you guys, all bets are off because your whole weirdness towards us, if not individually then as a whole. So when it does come down to hugs, we're gonna let you take the lead. That means that even if we initiate the hug, you initiate the pull-back. Cause when you're uncomfortable we feel like shit. Actually it's because of your discomfort that we've been historically treated like shit, but let's not point fingers.

5. We're not trying to steal away your girlfriend. She's been ours all along. Straight guys should really learn to appreciate their girlfriends' gay friends. They're like her female friends...but guys! Meaning they are completely non-threatening to you and yet you can discuss sports with them. Even if it is only competitive diving. We can be your best allie if you let us. We've had the same problems, the same temptations, all of that stuff that comes with the y chromosone plus we know what to get her for you anniversary and what you should write in the card. And when it comes time for it, the gay blessing on engagement is crucial ; we're the new parents. And if you play your cards right, we'll even agree to MC your wedding and slay the crowd with our witty banter. Seriously, we're fucking hilarious.

Happy breeding.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Gah, I hate blogging. Well not so much blogging so much as my own laziness towards blogging. That's pretty ripe. I always think up really good ideas but it's usually on the bus or when I'm in bed and neither of those are particularily convenient times.

I thought of a cute analogy for my romantic life and bear in mind that I'm still on my ne pas de dating trip: the people I date are exactly like my shoes - they're good for a short while and then I ruin them but of course by that time they are far too dear to me and it takes months to finally discard the remains. Anyone who was witness to my Kenneth Cole loafers (R.I.P.) can attest to this. I had to by new insoles for them in Toronto and when I went to take the old insole out, it literally did so in pieces with the last bunch all cruched up in the toe looking like it had been through a garbage disposal. (Maybe we don't rave in the KCs anymore, k?) Sick, I know, but still I loved them and probably won't throw them away until Finnigan (da dog, not da puppet from Mr. Cross-Dress-up) has his rough way with them. "Scuffed shoes are in!" I tell myself, "It said so in GQ!" Yeah, it said that about pre-scuffed Pradas, following in the steps of dirty denim, not David's So-repolished-they-now-look-like-they've-been-Crayola'ed KCs.

Also it occurs to me that one of the reasons behind my somewhat crappy moods as of late have been my dreams. Unlike certain quasi-hippie-hipsters who live on Van Island, I don't put a whole lot of thought into dreams. I'm sure they mean something but chances are that if my subconsiousness is dreaming about it, my consciousness is well aware of the situation. On of the joys of being once described by a close friend as "the most self-aware person I know". I just don't lie to myself. I may not want to think about it, but all the same I know it is there. So I'm not worried about my dreams in that capacity. Rather, I'm more concerned that they've just been rather dark as of late. I never seem to remember my 'happy' dreams, only the macabre or indifferent and I am often dreaming right before I wake up so the mood of my dream will be my first of the day and no bueno.

Lastly (though who knows? I'm kinda on a roll. Mmmm, roll. Did I tell you that I've gone low-carb? Ok, that'll come after this. Don't get freaked out; I haven't gone all south beach or anything), or actually not lastly anymore, I really like my name. Sure, there are other names that I might like a bit more, but that's because they are associated with the individuals attached to them. I find mine very functional; it was nice and playful when I was younger and will be nice and dignified when I'm older. Ok, agreed, that was one of my more vapid thoughts.

Yes, so the low carb thing, it started like this. I was trying on an outfit that I might wear to the New Years party and it looked good but not quite perfect. There was ever so slight of a curve just below my belly button and it was pissing me off. Then I did the standard "Well if you ate better and excercised" speech in my head which was promtly refused as usual, but then I took a moment to disect why I had rejected that notion. Not a complex answer: it's too hard. And it is, to say that one is going to alter one's lifestyle FOREVER. That's a huge commitment. So I says to m'self, I says, "Self, just try it for a month, just until outfit needs to be worn and see if anything changes. Nothing crazy, just limiting sugar and carbs and try a lot of protein and veggies. And here's the craziest part: try only eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full." So that's the deal, my inverse NY resolution; to eat like we're supposed to. I'm a little over a week in and it's not been half bad so far.

Ok, so that's quite a bit. I can stop feeling guilty for a while now.