Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Chag same'ach and Shana tova a tutti.

That's right, loyal reader(s?), your local fleekinfloygn posts are now available in Hebrew and Italian. I guess that makes me an Itali-Jew. That's catchy. Patent pending.

So mama just left. She was here for about 5 days with my grandmother, attending meetings and then chillin' 5770-stylez with me for Yom Kippur. It was actually awesome. In addition to getting on really well, she'd rented a car, which was AMAZING, though I'd never own a car in Toronto as my blood pressure would go through the roof (Incidentally, my blood pressure is 107/68 so take that, suckers).

It was a very synaoguey time with 5 hours on Sunday and over 7 on Monday. The music was incredibly beautiful, the sermons occasionally interesting and the liturgy presenting me with my same issues with the theology that I always have, though I think I'm coming along way with approaching it philosophically rather than literally. Also, one of the things about Reform I love is the way that they discuss transgression. In more traditional denominations, they pretty much just read a laundry list (what does that mean, anyway?) of things that made you suck; essentially a lengthy elaboration on the basic 7 sins, though I think they are themselves a Christian concept (Sandra?). Conversely, in Reform the approach in much more humanistic, adapted for modern times and insistent that we are all guilty of being douches at times (my term, not theirs) and that this atonement is both individual and communal, which I like very much. Some of the English readings are a bit fruity for me, but I think that's only because I feel that in synagogue, I want to mean everything I say, which ultimately is a good thing. There wasn't a lot of humour in this part of the weekend, what with it being the gravest day of the year and all, but, nevertheless, here's a rough representation of a tableau one might have seen:

Otherwise, adventures with mom were awesome, many of which included large gatherings of little-known family, all of whom were extremely kind but would inevitably would ask that same questions over and over again about my existence in their fair land. I suppose this is natural, but it is exhausting all the same.

My favourite MOMent came, however, not amongst family but strolling down Queen St. W on Saturday afternoon. We'd gone out to make some purchases for a gathering the night, she some wine, me some samosas from the local falafel eatery. As we walked home, it began to rain, so we shared her umbrella, trekking side by side. After a couple minutes, it became apparent that we were both getting wet thanks to size of the umbrella and the natural distance two people put between them whence a-strolling. Mom squeezed in, putting her hand on my waist as I held the umbrella over us both. I didn't think anything of it until my mother, loin of my fruit, says, "Oh, I wonder if everyone thinks I'm a cougar!"

Um, ew. Just...ew.

Monday, September 21, 2009

You know, I don't set out to fail at blogging. It, like the tides and unplanned pregnancy among visual minorities, just happens.

Last week I wrote one of my painfully annoying semi-autobiographical fiction 'tableaux', as me and my twos of readers like to call them. Problem is, I can't finish it, posing a problem quite the opposite of my attempts in the boudoir. So now whenever I think of going back and trying to complete it, I distract myself in a variety of fashions.

The latest obsession is Bejeweled Blitz, a Facebook application that one particular eyebrowly impaired Mennonite who has asked to remain nameless has been talking about for a year. Now to be clear, I have never been a gamer or even really a games person. I will indulge, but really only as a visual supplement to an activity that does not require that sense, such as talking on the phone or performing CPR on my fish (RIP, guys. You'll live forever in God's kingdom). This habit started at the tender age of 14 with solitaire and has seen an evolution such that I can actually target major life events by what game I was playing at the time. The list reads not unlike Genesis 2 (suck on that Intro to Religion):

Solitaire begat
Hearts which begat
Freecell which begat
Minesweeper which begat
Spider Solitaire which begat
Bubbles which begat
Bejeweled Blitz

My favourite part of playing BB is that you can send 'Smack Talk', these really passive aggressive messages that you can send to your other friends that play who have lower scores than you. It's really quite mean and I like it. I like it a lot.

My other favourite distraction (other than, like, job hunting) is watching as many youtube videos of Chelsea Lately as possible, looping them to the point where I know them so well they become my Facebook statuses. I'm also oddly attracted to Guy Branum, a frequent panelist on the round table as a Comedian - slash - Staff Homosexual. He is by far the smartest and funniest person on that show (Chuy, the Mexican nugget (read: Little Person) aside). He is also 6'2", bald and roughly 300 lbs and yet...something inside me kinda wants to get wit dat. I've never been a chubby chaser (their word, not mine), but he's delightful with pouty lips, pretty eyes and a bashful look even cuter than Michael J. Park's.

In other news, I am still unemployed, live in a tiny apartment, can't hang shelves and am being Jew-ier than I ever imagined I could ever be. I'm gonna apply for recircumcision next week just for kicks.