Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I think there should be a handbook or guide for straight men to read regarding interacting with less-then-straight men, cause really the social awkwardness and misconceptions are staggeringly hilarious. I will attempt to outline the top 5 key chapters:

1. We don't want to have sex with you. Ok, some of us do, but for the most part, we're really not that interested. We may find you very attractive but we're not out to get you. It's like your pretend lesbians in those lovely little movies you boys watch. You know you haven't got a shot in hell, just kinda fun to look at. And if you're getting checked out be a guy that is very high praise. We have very high standards, much more so than women. So take it as a compliment.

2. We don't think you're one of us. In fact, we know that you aren't. You know that gaydar thing? Yeah, it's real. Also, we know you like to act all revulsed at the thought of another guy but you're not fooling anyone. You know when another guy is attractive; you just aren't attracted to him. We recognize this major definitional difference and so should you. Dicks don't gross you out; you have one. It's just the only one that interests you (and boy, does it ever). We find women hot all the time, in fact we idolize their beauty so much that some of us dress up like them. But I digress. Unless you actually have a desire to kiss stubble (and soberly, you crazy hazing frat boys) you haven't got a drop of 'mo in you.

3. Stop being afraid of the ass. There is a major taboo with all things to do with that particular orifice, but there are also things to learn about it. Such as it's the location of your g-spot. Betchya didn't know that. That's why so many of us enjoy...well, whatever, details aren't necessary. Not all of us like it though. In fact, while most gay guys have experimented, lots don't really find it all that special. It's all a matter of taste. That said, it can be really fun if you just relax and let it be. So we're not saying buy your girlfriend a strap on and go to town, but stop being so sqeamish about it. And your girlfriends tell us everything, so for those of you that do enjoy the odd poke and prod, mazel tov.

4. We don't do the back-slap hug. We embrace. It leads to fewer welts and feels better. Some of us cheek kiss or even do lip pecks (although We think that's a bit much) but when it comes to showing affection for you guys, all bets are off because your whole weirdness towards us, if not individually then as a whole. So when it does come down to hugs, we're gonna let you take the lead. That means that even if we initiate the hug, you initiate the pull-back. Cause when you're uncomfortable we feel like shit. Actually it's because of your discomfort that we've been historically treated like shit, but let's not point fingers.

5. We're not trying to steal away your girlfriend. She's been ours all along. Straight guys should really learn to appreciate their girlfriends' gay friends. They're like her female friends...but guys! Meaning they are completely non-threatening to you and yet you can discuss sports with them. Even if it is only competitive diving. We can be your best allie if you let us. We've had the same problems, the same temptations, all of that stuff that comes with the y chromosone plus we know what to get her for you anniversary and what you should write in the card. And when it comes time for it, the gay blessing on engagement is crucial ; we're the new parents. And if you play your cards right, we'll even agree to MC your wedding and slay the crowd with our witty banter. Seriously, we're fucking hilarious.

Happy breeding.


Miss Caitlin said...

God, this is f-ing hilarious. I especially like #3 and the bit about MCing weddings. Holy jesus. You made my night.

Je t'aime, je t'aime.

Michael Park said...

Im kinda dissapointed about #1 there Davey, I like to think that everyone is undressing me with their eyes... but alas, not even the best in gaydar-vision can see beyond a high quality hand-knit thong... so let your worried straight friends know that they're safe if they buy knitted thongs... but where o where can they get them...?

deener said...

David. I love you. 'Nuf said. M'kay?

Andrew said...

David, you are a brilliant, brilliant man. Do you think we could convince the government to start distributing this to all heterosexual males? It'd make life so much easier.

Sandra said...

Love, love, love it! :) Don't think you can get out of MC-ing at my wedding, btw. Not going to happen; you've been booked LONG before the groom! (Who has yet to have qualified in the rather complicated selection process!) :)