Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I Love the Smell of Douches in the Morning

The following is a list of Douchey McDouche-Douchersons that I saw whilst waiting for the streetcar this morning.

1. Popped-collared Douche - *sigh* HOW IS THIS STILL OKAY? No. Just no. Never. Unless it's a jacket. But a polo shirt? From motherfucking Guess?! With writing on the part that should be flipped down?! It's like douchery is in their mission statement. Die in a fire.

2. Obnoxiously Loud Music Douche - Why is it that you never hear Beethoven being blasted through ridiculously over-sized but ineffective earphones? Gimme some ABBA or something! But no. It is always, as you know, gangsta rap and hip hop. Misogyny and drive-by shootings used to be the worst things about ghetto music. No more.

3. Black-in-Brown Douche - There was a black lady in clothing the exact same colour as her skin. Okay, this is not douchey. Perhaps just misguided. Brown is a fantastic colour, but if you can't pull it off (not unlike your own skin) then just accept that this is your lot in life. I mean, do you see me wearing kinda-rosy-with-receding-hair-gimpy-times-coloured clothing? No, you do not.

4. Guy-Who-Lives-In-My-Building-But-Never-Says-Hi Douche - Okay, this one may be kinda self-explanatory. But seriously. Not even a smile? I know you're thinner and have better shoes than me and probably live with an equally austere Asian girl, but c'mon. Sidenote: Asian girls with white boyfriends are my people.

5. Girl-With-Mary-Janes-And-Socks Douche - Hey, Dorothy: no.

6. Offspring-Abandoning Douche - You know what?! I am so sick of all these women that lend their uterii to gay couples and then go off to have a illustrious show choir coaching careers only to turn around and plot to make their long-lost daughters discover them and then be all "I can't be your mom but let's break it down with some acoustic GaGa first, mmk?"


Okay, that one might just have been last night's Glee. I'm losing my credibility mad quickly.

7. Guy-From-My-Apartment Douche - Yesterday evening (not this morning, but it still makes the list) I met a chat friend. He is young and overweight and comes from a crazy, crazy Evangelical Pentecostal family that has indoctrinated him to the point that I didn't even rebut any of the messed up hick garbage he spewed at me cause it was just so ridiculous. It was like being at a one-man Log Cabin Republicans meeting. He also had that grating habit of being 19*, wherein he mistook his opinions with facts. I kinda wanted to punch him in his admittedly-unshaven balls. Then, as we're at the door, he somehow launches himself into the air and lands on my lips. At first I resist but then I am reminded of how 19 year olds kiss and I'm all mmmmmmmm and so I let him for a while but then I kinda hovered above myself and was like, "Um, what are you doing? He's 19. And kind of a dick." My kicking out of him was met with surprise and initially resistance but finally, I managed to convince him to leave. He took 5 minutes to lace up his $29.99 Shoe Warehouse travesties and then was all (fat) wounded puppy as he left. Hmmm. Maybe I'm the douche.

* 26 (my age) ÷ 2 = 13, +7 = 20. Damnit! Also, ugh.


Pat Tillett said...

So friggin funny that I'm going to give you an original bit 'o bling.
my place in the am.
be there

soft nonsense said...

Bah. Even if you WERE a douche, you're OUR douche, so it's perfectly alright.

Also, pretty much nailed the rundown of douchiness. Douchicity. Douchetrocity?

Tocalabocina said...

I drive with my windows down (for lack of a functioning air conditioner) and most of the time I'm blasting an audio book. I turn heads at stop lights daily.

I hope that I'm not douching up people's commutes.

muffledbysnow said...

Love that #6 was a smack at Glee. The episode was so weird.

I miss you.



Anonymous said...

i love how you slip in the fatness of your friend not once but twice. that's really the only thing i remember about him, and for that matter, about you - that mr. vamos has a fat friend. your jewishness and canadianness is second and third now to the fact that you allow yourself to have a fat friend.