Imagined Pre-Birthday Messages

Tomorrow is my illustrious 26th birthday. As I anticipate receiving literally fours of celebratory wishes, I thought I would jump the gun and predict what some of the heartfelt wishes may contain:


Hungarian Father: Hey Muffininski (why he chose a Russian suffix to my childhood nickname is a question for the ages), it's Daddio comin' at ya! Have a happy birthday, Mister, and while you're at it, find me a son-in-law!

Slacker Mom: Hi, sweetie. It's your mom calling to wish you a happy birthday and say that it's okay that you missed our anniversary yesterday. I'm sure the call got lost in the mail. Anyway, hope you do something nice with a ...friend and maybe things will happen to you this year. Can't wait to see you on Friday! If you need a ride from the airport, call us.

Electro Bro: Hi, sweetie. It's your mom calling again. Your brother sends his regards but he's too busy smoking the gange trying to forget about Finnigan. Hope you're not worrying about having missed our anniversary. Buh-bye.

Future Roommate: Anonymous says: Happy birthday, sweetheart! Can't wait to see you this weekend! We gonna get cruuuuuuuuunk.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: granted ur intenchun was 2 b born and you did that but ive read a lot of reesurch shoing that u r pompous cuz being 26 isnt that impressive lol oh hon persutis.

ESLothario: *crickets*

Unibrow: Hey, buddy-pants. I just wanted to call and wisjh jhouuu a haaaappsatlihg (message truncated due to rufie someone slipped him in order to tweeze that shit.)

Flight Attendant Nick: :) :P :) :D :P :) :) ;) :D IF I COULD TURN BACK TI-

Iranian Grocery Owner Lady: (upon seeing the strawberries I've picked out) No no no. You can do better than that. Go get others.

Actually happened. Even my produce vendor disapproves of my choices.