Friday, April 30, 2010

Parental Views on my Singlehood: Part the Second

My mother just called me on my work phone:

Illustrious D: Wha-? Hello?

Slacker Mom: Hi, sweetie. Did you call me at the office?

ID: No...

SM: Oh, then you must have caller ID (<----that's me!) and can see our phone number.

ID: I must.

SM: I'm going to go to the spa with Gloria to get massages on our day off, but I just wanted to let you know that Dad and I are going to dinner and then the theatre tonight so we will NOT be calling you later to say Good Shabbos.

ID: Mmmmokay. I'll try to not add that to the Feelings of Abandonment file.

SM: What?

ID: You look really pretty today. Is that a BumpIt?

SM: What? We're on the phone. Please be serious. But regardless that's not a very nice thing to say about my nose.

ID: No, Mom, I-... never mind. Goodbye.

SM: WAIT!

ID: *waits*

SM: *waits to see if I'm waiting*

ID: *adjusts balls*

SM: So this may not be the best time to talk about this cause you're at work, but lately...I've sensed that...you're...lonely...for a...rom...antic relationship.

ID: Well, Mr. Shatner, that's a very astute observation. Father has posited the very same hypothesis.

SM: It just seems that you could use it right now.

ID: As opposed to the last 10 years I've been looking for it.

SM: Right.

ID: *readjust balls back to original position* It's like you're in my head.

SM: They say it takes about two years so really get integrated into a place and so you're really just at the beginning still. You have the apartment and a job and you have lots of acquaintances (Mom-speak for "I suspect you're a whore.") and a couple friends like Unibrow and the one that looks like a doll, but I just think you should have a really good relationship.

ID: Holla.

SM: Are there any, um, you know, gay Jewish groups in Toronto?

ID: Yes. It's called Kulanu. The quasi-attractive Jew from back in December told me about it before dropping off the face of the Earth.

SM: Well, you're pretty self-sufficient so I'm sure you'll check it out if you want to.

ID: I'm sure I will, too.

SM: Well, this has been exciting. You work on the relationship thing. It just takes a little effort.

ID: Mother...

SM: That's all I'm saying.

ID: Mmmmmmmm-hmm.

SM: I love y-.

*click*

3 comments:

Future Roommate said...

too precious. i love your mom!

it really is time D.

xo

soft nonsense said...

As always D, your ability to illicit laughter at completely random moments in your post. I actually lasted until *adjusts balls* before lawl-ing, though the BumpIt reference almost got me.

Pat Tillett said...

the story was only great until you hit the "adjust balls" line. Then it became hilarious...
you are good, you...(Di Nero quote)