My mother just called me on my work phone:
Illustrious D: Wha-? Hello?
Slacker Mom: Hi, sweetie. Did you call me at the office?
ID: No...
SM: Oh, then you must have caller ID (<----that's me!) and can see our phone number.
ID: I must.
SM: I'm going to go to the spa with Gloria to get massages on our day off, but I just wanted to let you know that Dad and I are going to dinner and then the theatre tonight so we will NOT be calling you later to say Good Shabbos.
ID: Mmmmokay. I'll try to not add that to the Feelings of Abandonment file.
SM: What?
ID: You look really pretty today. Is that a BumpIt?
SM: What? We're on the phone. Please be serious. But regardless that's not a very nice thing to say about my nose.
ID: No, Mom, I-... never mind. Goodbye.
SM: WAIT!
ID: *waits*
SM: *waits to see if I'm waiting*
ID: *adjusts balls*
SM: So this may not be the best time to talk about this cause you're at work, but lately...I've sensed that...you're...lonely...for a...rom...antic relationship.
ID: Well, Mr. Shatner, that's a very astute observation. Father has posited the very same hypothesis.
SM: It just seems that you could use it right now.
ID: As opposed to the last 10 years I've been looking for it.
SM: Right.
ID: *readjust balls back to original position* It's like you're in my head.
SM: They say it takes about two years so really get integrated into a place and so you're really just at the beginning still. You have the apartment and a job and you have lots of acquaintances (Mom-speak for "I suspect you're a whore.") and a couple friends like Unibrow and the one that looks like a doll, but I just think you should have a really good relationship.
ID: Holla.
SM: Are there any, um, you know, gay Jewish groups in Toronto?
ID: Yes. It's called Kulanu. The quasi-attractive Jew from back in December told me about it before dropping off the face of the Earth.
SM: Well, you're pretty self-sufficient so I'm sure you'll check it out if you want to.
ID: I'm sure I will, too.
SM: Well, this has been exciting. You work on the relationship thing. It just takes a little effort.
ID: Mother...
SM: That's all I'm saying.
ID: Mmmmmmmm-hmm.
SM: I love y-.
*click*
3 comments:
too precious. i love your mom!
it really is time D.
xo
As always D, your ability to illicit laughter at completely random moments in your post. I actually lasted until *adjusts balls* before lawl-ing, though the BumpIt reference almost got me.
the story was only great until you hit the "adjust balls" line. Then it became hilarious...
you are good, you...(Di Nero quote)
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