Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sexeh Aminal Planet

I've been inappropriately having e-mail conversations with some New Zealand dude who works at TD Canada Trust and will likely be getting fired cause of it should HR ever discover these exchanges. Today alone, he referenced porn, pedophilia and personal lubricant. Ah yes, the 3 P's of getting your ass canned. We also had a running gag about opening what he called the Manhole Bank.

Illustrious D: I've never heard of this Manhole Bank. Is it simply for making deposits or can you withdraw, too? Is there protection services

Non-Australian: Manhole bank has been there for ages but not been spoken about. You can certainly pull in and out for deposit and withdrawals but gotta make sure you got some sort of insurance protection to do so. Otherwise you are risking you investment! Have you got lots to risk?

ID: The amount I sink into something usually depends on the interest I have it in. Don't have a massive portfolio, so I'd never consider myself a port star, but if I'm really looking come out a head, I manage just fine

NA: Im sure you watch a hell loads of porn… first the czech boys and now that? So so naughty

ID: I can assure you that I have NO idea what you're talking about. I am simply taking about a simple exchange of fluid assets.

And scene.

Yesterday, he gave me mentored me in the ways of picking up strangers in bars (clearly my thing) by advising me to "make sure not to jump and hump immediately." After I asked for clarification and he said:

"I can just imagine you jumping on top of a camel (wild and eager). Then humping it like a rabbit!!! Lol"

Ugh. These fucking lol-ers

What a lovely and underappreciated interspecies couple. Proud Camel. Eager Rabbit. It was bound to happen. Let's exploit my MS Paint skillz to examine what this might look like:

Jump & Hump

Some talking points:

1. Just want to go on the record and say that I think raping a camel with both eyes on one side of its head and neck tumours is kinda pouring salt in the wound.

2. Why are you looking at the camera, Rabbit? First rule of working in film: NEVER look at the audience. It makes us feel dirty. If it was my film you were ruining with your "I'ma Punk this dromedary!" eyes, you would be barred from the set. BARRED FROM THE SET!

3. Mr. Sun, why are you so creepy? You're clearly the instigator of this little prank, urging Little Rabbit Foo-Foo to shun his natural boreal habitat for the sweltering heat of the Sahara just so he can stick it where you don't shine. Do you know when the last time the camel had some Oat Bran? THEY'RE IN A DESERT! You got no clue what be comin' outta that end. That rabbit gonna look like a Lindt Easter chocolate by day's end

This got me thinking (cue Sex & The City night time zoom in throw billowy draped window). If a rabbit and a camel could make something work, I had to wonder (Yes! Stuck the landing!) what hope was there for the rest of the Animal Kingdom's interspecies lovahs.

Bum & Rum

This is strictly for anal lovers. I mean, that giraffe wants it one way and one way only. The parrot is there because parrots are piratey and pirates like rum, but having a pirate give it to a giraffe, even as one as slutty as this one, is just plain wrong

Talking points:

1. Um, how amazing is my Paint fill function prowess?

2. I kinda love that the parrot looks like it really cares about the cheap floozy giraffe. Either that or he got into the love drugs. OMG, parrots at a rave! Picture it! HAHAHA! Classic.

3. In all seriousness though, how ho-ey is that giraffe? I mean, she can't even coordinate her colour palette correctly. Um, hello? You're an Autumn! Chuckles. What a loser.

4. Holy crap, Mr. Sun! Way to step up the creeper game even more. What are you, a giraffe pimp now? It's one thing to act as first grip on a low-budget adult film shot on location in the Sudanese desert, but you're really sinking to new lows here. Didn't you used to want to be somebody? Whatever happened to that screenplay? Huh? You know what, I can't even look at you right now.

Blow & Blorjioahwbnr34tlo



Um, so I saved these two drawings and then I took my lunch break and when I came back I couldn't remember why I wanted the possum. I remember seeking it out cause it plays dead. That is all. Let's soldier on anyway.

Talking points:

1. Wow, what did you have for lunch, David? A lot of FAIL? YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH! I TRY SO HARD! SO! HA-A-A-AAAAAAAAARD! *breaks down sobbing*

2. Holy shit, that's some kick-ass coral.

3. How is that possum breathing right now? Even the Creepy McCreepCreep Creeperson Sun has a snorkel. Because possums are the new unicorns, that's why. Trust me. It's gonna be a thing.

4. That blowfish has excellent dental work. Ironic given that teeth are generally frowned upon when blowing.

5. OMG, is that Nemo? Dude, you found him! So much props!

6. *sigh* Mr. Sun... I ca-... There are no wo-... How are you under wa-...? *sigh*

1 comment:

soft nonsense said...

Technically, you shouldn't be looking at the sun at all, in shame or otherwise.

**THIS HAS BEEN A PERSONAL HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT FROM SOFT NONSENSE**

Also - that giraffe totally wants it, and you can do better 3P's...I mean, you have 1337 paint skillz and referred to being a "port star."