Friday, March 12, 2010

I love to ponder the fields so wheaten / I love it less when I am beaten

Aaaaand I just walked in on a maintenance worker washing his feet in the employee bathroom. Awesome. Score another one for multiculturalism.

I reeeeeeeeally need to stop looking at Blog's of Note. They just anger me so. I will admit that they led me to my new hetero obsession, La curmudeone sassé, but other than that it just makes me irrationally envious of the abstract artists, Alaskan hikers, monster movie geeks (this one is especially wtf) and Susan Boyle-worshipping octogenarians out there. Grandma lists Freecell as one of her favourite pastimes and has 345 followers, yo! Although, the fact that her name is Bernie and that she entitled her blog "Old? Who? Me?" is actually pretty funny, BUT EVERYONE ELSE...GAH! I realize that in the past I've called other bloggers out for calling other bloggers out (wait...) but this is ridiculous. 172 people -including Bernie! - are following a farmer's wife (her listed profession) write poetry about rain and her dog, who I think came 12th in last year's Ugliest Dog in the World competition. I won't quote a sample of the poetry, cause that's just bad manners, but suffice to say...it's pre-tty amazing.

I really shouldn't complain; in the past two weeks my followers have skyrocketed, literally tripling. You know what though? That's okay. I'm a late bloomer. I am the Kevin Arnold of the blogosphere. And realistically, how much personal devotion can one really give to 300 followers? Random Americans Who I've Never Met, I am here for each and every one of your three asses.

In other ne-...oh who the fuck am I kidding? I'm in love with an East Indian man at work. He is in his late 50's and has the body of a little person but in full-sized human form. When he walks, he tilts his pelvis down so that his little medicine ball ass is a good 2 feet behind the rest of his body. It almost looks like he's trying to pull an imaginary dog sled. Solo. He also has a British first name and a Spanish last name despite his South Asian parentage and likes to sport two-sizes-too-small polo shirts that showcase his size Bs in a very flatteringly light. Anyway, he sends me into a complete tizzy. I just want to put him in a plush flower costume and take pictures of him, Anne Geddes-stylez. If he ever came in sporting a newsboy cap or anything in argyle, I think I would just pass away.

Lastly, I'm house/cat/hot tub sitting again this weekend so if y'all know anyone that would be interested in coming over for a soak and then dating for a month before dropping off the face of the Earth, send him my way. The jets are already on. My expectations, off.

5 comments:

Pat Tillett said...

That's pretty damn funny...

On a serious note...
The best way to get readers and/or followers is to leave interesting comments on other peoples posts. Then people see them and think "hmmm, that sounds like an interesting person, I think I'll go find out WTF is going on at his blog."
I refered to readers and followers like they were two different things, because sometimes they are.
Believe me, not all followers read a GD thing you write...The only way you really know if your followers are reading, is if they comment!

Pat Tillett said...

Also....
If a reader discovers an interesting blog, they then look and see who that person is following. So it's not a good idea to follow anonymously, or to NOT follow those who support you.

Like me! (whom you don't follow)
I wouldn't have even brought it up, but you did in this post.

Build it and they will come...
Keep writing!

The Illustrious D said...

@Pat
Consider yourself liked, homeslice!

And your blog followed!

And your advice heeded!

And exclamation points!

Herr Kanada said...

"He also has a British first name and a Spanish last name despite his South Asian parentage"


Dude! Stop having crushes on guys who are basically me!

soft nonsense said...

Yup, totally found this blog because I was creeping Sassy Curmudgeon. I stayed for the fabulous ramblings.