Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Encounters with black people

Earlier today, I overheard a conversation in the next cubicle over wherein a large-derriered admin assistant was talking about making something but then quickly corrected herself and said, "Not that I created it. The only one that can create is God."

Bitch, it's an Excel spreadsheet. Calm the eff down.

Then just now I was walking to the bathroom to get my spider solitaire on when another woman stopped me to make small talk, remarking that she hadn't seen my "sturdy gate" in a while. I informed her that I had been visiting my hometown and she started going on about how people there must hate Toronto for having warmer weather.

"Though they all hate Toronto for more than just the weather, cause we got everything here," she said.

"Werd," I said.

"And they don't gotta be hatin' on us 'bout the weather. Talk to the Controller," she said pointing towards the heavens.

I mumbled something about complaining to "Upper Management" that she laughed at before walking away. Shit son, do black people ever love Jesus!

Hey, everybody remember my coworker who openly cried about our boss on my second day in the department, referred to her food-baby as n*ggeritis and asked me about where I like to put my penis? Who doesn't. Well, she's at it again. This time her absolute disregard to workplace decorum struck not in the form of a depleted supply of Arm & Hammer For Her but rather in an e-mail forward subjected "How to Teach Kids About Sexuality." Let me present select examples from this educational illumination that uses office supplies to represent different sexual relationships.

It started out simply enough:

Now pay attention, here's where things start to go south:

Hey, I know you're all jazzed cause Obama's prez. We all are. And yes, I will admit that I enjoyed the movie 'O' far more than most. But if a Blackie and a Redskin decide to go at it, that is no one's business but their own! And wait, does this mean that the blue pens were white guys? Oh, I see. Blue like smurfs. Cause we have smaller penii compared to your giant African pantsnakes. Just cause it is universally true does not make it okay to forward to me!

This would be funny if the person to whom you forwarded the word 'ejaculation' didn't have to look you in the face and smell you in the pit for 1/3 of his waking hours.

Okay, I'll admit that this one is pretty funny. It's more she-male than tranny, but bygones...

Again, I will reward you with moderate applause. The fact that you even went to the effort of commandeering a Viagra-blue sharpner really shows the detail work we were looking for. (This also reminds me of a line I once gave a fellow classmate at music school: "Hey, I boned your mom last night. At first, I thought I might have trouble staying sharp cause she was so flat, but luckily I was a natural." It's not good.)

Okay, now this shit is hilaaaaaaari-o. 'Specially seeing as God hates contraception.

Um, what?! Are you even legally allowed to say that in public?! SO MUCH NO! Though that red pen slut is totally asking for it...

I cannot even comment on this as I am slowly rocking myself in a corner. In what body odourless world is this woman living in?! Just cause we're all in a seriously messed up time period of excusing pedophiles, does not make it remotely okay to forward this shit to me!
Buuuuut, it's pretty fucking funny that you did. Rock on, Black Magic.


Anonymous said...

Oh mon dieu. I am completely beside myself. Wow.


Michael Park said...

So, I am now and always have been in love with Ms Cleo. Damn, I miss her.

Jonny Talbot said...

David, you are amazing. This stuff needs to get published.