Top 100 Facebook Status Updates of 2009

The Illustrious D...

is secretly glad that you're fat

misses you at times but then when he looks at your Facebook status it magically goes away

is still in his pimpin' robe. Grad school application: done!

is buttoning his Benjamins tonight

is looking for someone who knows Greek. No, the language.

has very loose pants. And morals.

just watched Ryan Seacrest try to high-five a blind guy

- worth leaving your husband for

is dancing as he has been informed that it's gonna be ok.

is tin roof. Rusted.

looks too oot oopples oond boonoonoos

feels that it is time for everyone to stop refering to the release of an album as 'dropping'. Also, get off his lawn

feels a bit off today. Would anyone care to turn him on?

is doing the No Work Tomorrow dance. It's not pretty.

is no croque, monsieur!

just inhaled that Caprese salad!...He means, steak. He inhaled that steak.

can't decide if the Carpenters are retro-cool or retro-crap

just sold his soul. It feels...not bad.

has receive for Valentine's Day thus far a Facebook gift of nothing and a chocolate trifle from his mom.

is ridiculously proud of himself for not eating the entire trifle

+ disturbed sleep + 5 shots of espresso = talking about a stranger's muffin

is too sexy for his Whitestrips®

is vibrating from fatigue, espresso.

is gonna go all auto-da-fe on his mailbox.

defies Mr. Men

is processing

wishes he WAS at Arby's cause there'd be better food and cooler people!

likes people liking him attending an event

tasted the rainbow. It was crap.

loves peach tea. Now that's the real rainbow, beehatch.

has made an amazing banana

bread at last. Martha got pwned

Destroyer of Bananas

is overwhelmed by cheese and time.

is the love phoenix

could never be your woman.

said there would be days like this, there would be days like this, David said. David said, David said!

is praying for sleep. Baruch atah Adonai, elohenu Melech ha'olam...sleep.

is ever just the same, ever a surprise.

has two voice types, high and low. He sings both. Most people can only sing one.

is continuing his trend of getting into musicals starring Idina Menzel six years after their debut. He likes a sure bet.

has the solution for matzah-induced constipation: four glasses of wine.

would like some happiness in pill form. kthx.

is going to ingest the entire Safeway bakery tomorrow night.

is everything you need; you better rock your body now.

is making a Zen garden in his hummus.

feels there ought to be more fatties at the gym. Where my hambeasts at?!

thanks his liver for putting up with last night's shenanigans. You kicked ass, L-Town.

is pondering the odd correlation between people who love God and cooking with marshmallows.

is in love with Emily Haines's [i] vowel.

doesn't remember that rush of

joy. The rose and the pearl? Wasn't born for 'em.

thinks that someone needs spellcheck. And yes, if you think he's talking about you, then it's you. Moran.

is the tiniest bit unlike he anticipated.

feels that LeVar Burton is under the impression that he is really quite cool.

is like a lead safe, but with a moustache and a learning disorder.

opens doors for old ladies. Well, the hot ones.

is cuddly, bitch! Deal with it.

wants to live on Jay Brannan's lips.

is moving to Toronto in the middle of Pride. Baptism by flamey, flamey fire.

hid under your porch because he loves you

is going to throw up on the next Hollister shirt he sees.

is your sweetest downfall.

is applying for emotional robothood.

is keeping his love locked down.

is taking himself on a date tonight.

is renaming it So You Think You Can Bawl Like A Little Girl.

is celebrating Shabbat by going to shul and eating Iranian food. UN, eat your heart out.

is your biggest fan, he'll follow you until you love him, paparazzim.

// Me protège de lui que je desire.

can indeed attest to the difficulty of this physical geography for a prostitutional manager.

wishes he could consume frozen desserts with the same caloric abandon as the Golden Girls.

thanks you for the appearance in his romantic reconciliation dream last night. It's comforting to know that you can act like a human being in his subconscious, if not actual life.

is dabbling in hobby alcoholism.

O...M...G... Stop %*&ing voting for Evan cause you know what happens when you do, people? Babies lose the ability to laugh and I forget to form my status in the goddamn third person singular!!!!!!!

wishes everyone a very happy Tori Day.

needs a new muse.

is weakened by apathy. And the flu.

is the next best thing to Tim Gunn.

has developed an all too natural attachment to sweetened condensed milk.

is playing with power tools, his life.

is going to watch a redheaded Russian Jew bang on a piano for a couple hours.

likes something a little creamier...

has discovered the secret to Life: (sequentially) nap, pee, eat a cookie.

is always punching guys...girls... He'll punch a baby, he doesn't care...

likes it. Does this intrinsically imply that he should have put a ring on it?

is trying to close a Pandora's Box with a broken lock.

- "Without sex, dating is just letting people annoy you."

encounters the most baffling of angels at times.

is checking into the Choirgirl Hotel one more time.

has renewed faith in cabbies.

thinks that John Krasinski looks like he'd be a great hugger.

Can someone make this happen? Thanks.

won't stop believeing, holding on to that fee-ee-ee-ling.

is the proud new owner of purple argyle underwear.

won't let them begin the Beguine.

is like the angle opposite the hypotenuse. He's always right.

will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. He will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, he will steal away into your home and punch you in the face.

will call you Gaga if he damn well pleases!

is pondering what kind of disease a cured ham could have had.

is gonna punch the next homosexual male that uses Lady GaGa lyrics in their Facebook status. Straight in their Poker Face.

just got his first non-friend blog comment and is pathetically elated with how quickly his plans for gay blog world domination is coming.

has good lips