Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sometimes I start feeling self-superior that I'm not a gay stereotype, out whoring myself, worshipping gym culture, pleading to leave Britney alone. Then I get Rihanna's Take A Bow stuck in my head for 4 days straight and I am knocked down several pegs.

My day at work yesterday was absolutely chock full of amusing anecdotes and ironic yet self-defeating observations that have become the bread and butter for this blog. However, I cannot remember any of them and do you want to know why?

Because I was high as a kite on 3 extra strength non-drowsy decongestants containing a grand total of 180 mg. of Pseudoephedrine.

I have always been skeptical of the "extra strength" claim as they never seemed to provide much more relief than their regular strength brethren. It would seem, however, given the fact that my pupils were larger than my testicles (And that is saying something; I'm Jewish), that I was delightfully/horribly wrong.

As I could barely hold a functional conversation, I sequestered myself to a locked records management room for the better part of the morning, emerging only to go to the bathroom via an immaculately thought out route designed to avoid the maximum number of people with whom I would be socially obliged to make eye contact. This journey happened roughly 8 times before noon.

It was at this point that I decided to share my slightly-euphoric experience via text message:

Illustrious D: 3 extra-strength non-drowsy decongestants at work = not the best idea

Rando Friend: No one is that congested. u r probably totally high.

ID: There is no probably. My eyeballs are practically humming the Glee soundtrack.

RF: I am disappointed that my own eyes aren't as musically proficient as yours.

Truthfully, he wasn't wrong; no one is that congested. I just thought it might be kinda fun and, in fact, I could see it being a ton of fun, say at a club or in a hot tub. At your place of employment, however, it is my understanding that staring at your circa-1995 screen saver for 17 minutes straight is frowned upon.

Lesson learned. Today I only took two.

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