Friday, June 11, 2010

Metric is playing Lilith Fair? What a bunch of vaginas.

Well, I fucked around with the template and now it's ass. Whatever. I think the devil-may-care skewedness of this "design" bespeaks a casual air that is by-and-large refreshing. Mostly though, I'm tired of pretending like I know anything shit all about HTML. It gives me man menses.

In my attempt to becoming a social creature whose sole friend is not the bottle, I decided to start volunteering. For the record, I ran a volunteer task force of about 800 for a large theatre festival once upon a time and can say with confident if not absolute certainty that volunteering is lame. Nothing requiring matching XL t-shirts is EVER going to be a good time. Still, social creature. No friends with the bottle. So I signed up for NXNE, which is Canada's oh-so-clever-and-not-at-all-trying-too-hard answer to the SXSW music festival, as well as Toronto Pride. Unfortunately for me and potentially humorous for you, they called me at 8:30pm a couple nights ago when I was 3 glasses into a bottle of malbec.

Scene: My bed. Computer on my lap. In the midst of watching the entire back half of this season's Heroes. It is no less stupid when drunk.

[phone rings]

Illustrious D: Helloooooo.

Homosexual Volunteer: Hi, this is Tim from Toronto Pride. Is this David?

ID: Who wansht to know?

HV: Um, Tim. Tor-...Toronto Pride?

ID: Suuuuure you are.

HV: I see that you've signed up to volunteer with us. Do you have some time to ta-


HV: -lk about the roles you're interested in?

ID: Don get frejsh.

HV: Do you have any experience in leadership positions?

ID: Asjh you can see on mah applikashuns, I was volunteer coorjinater fer the winnipeg flinge frestival. So yes...biiiiiiiiiotch.

HV: Ah. Very good. So would you be interested in working in the Pride street fair as a team leader, signing vendors in, directing pedestrian traffic, tasks like that?

ID: I can't sign. Not deaf. We're on the phone, bahahahaaa *burp*

HV: The shift is rather long.

ID: Sizshe does not mattjher to me.

HV: It's about 15 hours long.

ID: Whoa, Pharoah, back the dtruck up. Aiin no way in hall that I'-

HV: You'll be fed.

ID: Deal.

HV: The training has already happened but if you show up half an hour before the start of your sh-

ID: Yerr zexy.

HV: What?

ID: Yerr Mexi...

HV: ...

ID: *attempts to lick own elbow*

HV: Um, I-

ID: ...can.

HV: Yes, well-


HV: Okay, well I think that just about does it for us. Thanks so much again. I'll e-mail your schedule and if you have any more questions feel free to call the Pride Info Line.

ID: Is that thish number?

HV: No.

ID: Then what's thish number?

HV: It's actually my cell phone.

ID: Can I jusht call you?

HV: Call the Info Line.

ID: How 'bout just a text?

HV: No.





Pat Tillett said...

You should sell that as a script to a sitcom.

The stuff that happens to you is funnier than what most writers totally invent!

Sandra said...

I just about sporfled latte (vanilla, non-fat - you know the drill!) onto my laptop because of this post. YOU'RE WELCOME!

boo said... so funny...first good laugh I've had since I talked to you on the phone 45 minutes ago.