Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I'm a lumbarjack and I don't care

Saturday morning, I woke up with the sun, tossed my adorably emaciated legs over the side of the bed, stood up to greet the dawn and threw my back out.

Clearly I'm 52 years old.

As such, I have been on my back on the floor for the better part of the last four days in a hazy stupor resulting from a heady cocktail of Robaxicet, Aleve, wine and Mary J. Hwuana. The latter, it should be noted, was my father's suggestion and required me to locate the dime bag my uncle had shoved in my pocket in lieu of a Hanukkah present last December and that had been living in the back of my desk drawer ever since then. So to my therapist, who may be wondering about my habit of using alcohol and narcotics as a form of escapism, there's another piece of the puzzle for ya.

Some things I have accomplished during my sojourn on the floor:

- Upon discovering tv "on demand", watched an entire season each of The Hills, The City and The Real World: Brooklyn. Bathed twice after finishing each. Douched once.

- Discovered that The Cleveland Show can actually be funny but only when high on the gange.

- Talked to many of my friends and family members only to have zero recollection of these conversations the next day.

- Was visited by a current e-mail buddy who sorta made me wish I was on my back for completely different reasons.

- Created an original dish, a baked layered casserole consisting of (bottom to top): canned salmon, fresh spinach, grilled eggplant, roasted potatoes. bechamel sauce, sliced tomatoes, marble cheese. Tragically, I wasn't even stoned when making this, just really low on groceries.

- Ordered two XL gourmet pizzas from down the street, totalling roughly $60.

- Ordered groceries online. Yeah. It's possible. It was pretty pricey, costing about as much as a Sobey's/Publix but the delivery charge was only $10 and they dropped it off in front of my fridge, mufukas. IN FRONT OF MY FRIDGE. You can't buy that kind of service. Oh wait, you can and it costs $10.

Ok, I'm still a bit high.

Finally, to all the ladies on the subway carrying designer purses and JANSPORT backpacks, a quick lesson:




soft nonsense said...

The Hills, The City and The Real World: Brooklyn? That's all the On Demand programming you watched? Oh D, you clearly ARE high.

Also, any way that the Captain Planet Fail award could be sent my way? Because I believe my blog has exhibited tremendous amounts of fail the last month or so.

Nigel said...

After having had my back out roughly a mazillion times, I have finally come up with a happy fun time cure for them that I'll share with you now. First, get a crowbar. In a pinch, a heavy board or baseball bat will suffice. Then have a friend beat you over the head and neck until you gently fall into a soothing and relaxing coma. In about six to ten weeks, when you wake up in the hospital, you will find that your back has miraculously healed itself. You might however find that your legs have atrophied to the point of uselessness, but I think that's a small price to pay for being free from crippling back pain.

Now go, my son, and sin no more.

soft nonsense said...

Nigel - from the sound of it, D already has atrophied legs, so he shouldn't discount your method entirely.

Sandra said...

This post = a delightful mixture of sympathy (I've only ever thrown my back out twice before, and I never want to do it again! I feel for you!) and hilarity, what with the ridiculous amounts of bad tv-watching, that casserole (omg!), and paying people to bring you expensive food. Win! I love your blog. :)

Sandra said...

ALSO, win for the designer purse + Jansport! Yes!! I have *cough* potentially committed this sin myself out of sheer necessity, but I consoled myself with the pretentiousness (aka, also necessity) of wearing a McGill bedizzened backpack around Winnipeg and tried to pretend that made it okay. The difference, or so I like to think, is that I know I'm sinning. Awareness is the first step! :P

The Illustrious D said...

Thanks for the rock solid advice. BTdubs, I've really been enjoying your blog.

Captain Planet doesn't like quitters. I pray your blog never becomes as atrophied as my gams.

Bedazzling? That's not an excuse. That's Jersey Shore.