Clearly I'm 52 years old.
As such, I have been on my back on the floor for the better part of the last four days in a hazy stupor resulting from a heady cocktail of Robaxicet, Aleve, wine and Mary J. Hwuana. The latter, it should be noted, was my father's suggestion and required me to locate the dime bag my uncle had shoved in my pocket in lieu of a Hanukkah present last December and that had been living in the back of my desk drawer ever since then. So to my therapist, who may be wondering about my habit of using alcohol and narcotics as a form of escapism, there's another piece of the puzzle for ya.
Some things I have accomplished during my sojourn on the floor:
- Upon discovering tv "on demand", watched an entire season each of The Hills, The City and The Real World: Brooklyn. Bathed twice after finishing each. Douched once.
- Discovered that The Cleveland Show can actually be funny but only when high on the gange.
- Talked to many of my friends and family members only to have zero recollection of these conversations the next day.
- Was visited by a current e-mail buddy who sorta made me wish I was on my back for completely different reasons.
- Created an original dish, a baked layered casserole consisting of (bottom to top): canned salmon, fresh spinach, grilled eggplant, roasted potatoes. bechamel sauce, sliced tomatoes, marble cheese. Tragically, I wasn't even stoned when making this, just really low on groceries.
- Ordered two XL gourmet pizzas from down the street, totalling roughly $60.
- Ordered groceries online. Yeah. It's possible. It was pretty pricey, costing about as much as a Sobey's/Publix but the delivery charge was only $10 and they dropped it off in front of my fridge, mufukas. IN FRONT OF MY FRIDGE. You can't buy that kind of service. Oh wait, you can and it costs $10.
Ok, I'm still a bit high.
Finally, to all the ladies on the subway carrying designer purses and JANSPORT backpacks, a quick lesson: