I am sad (new definition)

Saturday night I was sitting on my bed with the laptop, drinking wine and feeling generally miserable because my would-be dinner companion waited until 9:00 to cancel. I was consoling myself the the aforementioned wine as well as attempting conversation with this really-dull-but-at-least-he's-online guy that has been on my msn for months. About 5 minutes into the conversation, the following, unedited conversation occurred (It's long. Sorry. Suck it up.):


(500) Days of David says: You like Sam Tsui? That kid is UNbelievable. I'm pretty sure his Lady GaGa medley turned me gay. Again.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: yah he is I follow him on facebook hehe(

500) Days of David says: I can't watch him too much. Get jealous

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: ol lol Id soooo go on a date with him lol

(500) Days of David says: isn't he, like, 12?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: lol yah i think Im jsut attracted to his talent

(500) Days of David says: Alrighty, clearly I'm barking up the wrong tree then

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: always been aroused by it

(500) Days of David says: talent? That's fair. Do you have any?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: none that are appropriate lol I used to sing, took lessons for years. did some really awesome concerts can dance...took tap., jazz and some ballet been on stage in community shows.... some really big productions and did a lot of stage managing

(500) Days of David says: what kind of really awesome concerts?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: prob the most noteworthy was Karmina Burana at the Ottawa Art Centre with three top canadian vocalists

(500) Days of David says: yeah? Cool. Done that one a couple times. Though ours was with the Royal Winnipeg Ballet. They toured it to Ottawa though. My friend (and future roommate) was the sop soloist.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: we joined up with two other choirs..... was about 500 singers plus the NAC orcahstra

(500) Days of David says: nice! musta been awesome You're a tenor?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: yep I sang first tenor for that

(500) Days of David says: The gays tend to be tenors

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: i am trying to remember who the soloists were I think Russel Braun was the barione i remember him coming out on his crutches

(500) Days of David says: LOVE him... so amazing. Rusty.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: hes the one who uses crutches right?

(500) Days of David says: oh no you're thinking of Kevin McMillan. He was ours the second time around. Teaches at Western. Bit of a pompous ass. But I like his Carmina.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: fun

(500) Days of David says: You gotta admire a guy who overcomes a thing like that. I mean, making it as a classical singer is hard enough, but to do it without opera? That takes balls.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: yep for sure and most singers are pompus darling comes with the art

(500) Days of David says: I disagree. The good ones don't need to be pompous. I've met so many incredible singers that are just the sweetest people in the world.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: well clearly u are in the know and i know nothing does that satisfy ur ego?

(500) Days of David says: *cock-eyed emoticon* are you being serious?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: honestly right now...u are coming across rather pompous

(500) Days of David says: Because I disagreed with you?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: "Oh ive done that, and better then u and I know them" lol no...I could care less if u disagreed with me it was actually me just saying the stuff Ive done and u ....well seemed like u needed to upstage me its actually...making u sound kinda sad

(500) Days of David says: I'm sorry you interpreted it that way. I was just saying that it's cool we've done some of the same stuff.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: lol hon u never really acknowledged what I did just came up wiht bigger and better stuff that uve done and went on about who u know really... it makes u seem arrogant and pompus having to upstage people its poeple like that that made me leave the arts

(500) Days of David says: You know, I think if you went back and read this conversation knowing that I was just trying to relate to you and find common ground, I think you might see that I was just trying to have a good discussion. I'm sorry if you felt I was trying to upstage you, but frankly, that's not what I'm about, and had you chosen to not assume the worst interpretation of an msn conversation, you might have seen t hat there was some common ground. But this...this is just negativity on your part.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: lol dude

(500) Days of David says: You're a nice guy and it would be great if maybe you could assume other people were as well

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: ur always trying to one up me...or minilmize me,...in jest or not

(500) Days of David says: HOW? I never said it was better I said it was the same Are you really that cynical?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: lol not in the least i find it kinda suprsiding how defensive ut are getting over this most psychological therorists suggest that strong defensiveness is a reaction to self doubt

(500) Days of David says: well if you were trying really hard to engage someone and was met with the reaction of being called pompous, you might be a bit defensive.

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: Hon... I wish u could see me right now

(500) Days of David says: I know we don't really know each other, but you made the active choice to think the worst

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: Im not at all really paying atention to u nor giving u much thought sorry lol u are really using the wrong termonology on this one lol I dindt make the choice to think the worst u are over generalzing and clearly missed what I said well typed

(500) Days of David says: which was what?

Frog-->Getting High (Park) says: granted. ur intention was to find some common ground and yes clearly u would get that from re-reading our conversation u are biased from ur intent u know what ur intent was i dont cuz Im not in ur head however. my conclusion...alkthough not a huge conclusion but one none the less came from our conversatons of late You talk about intelectual persutis and conversations and such and u have a tone that, it makes it seem like someone has to be challenged in order to be at ur level u seem to set a bar, and expect people to be there ur wording in your questiosn, come acros as more mechanical rather then general inqusitory of someone in some of our discusons (yes I cannot come up with a specific example, but thats really beacuse I dont give them much thought at aklll...Id rather worry about what im making for dinner or when I can fit in a run) but you come accross with a tone, that people must prove themselves worhty to be at ur level and then with our discussions todya... htis is how I would opperate if I had found out that someone had done the same show as me I would have said oh thats awesome, I loved when I did it...I had this experience rather then that...u went about who was in the show, how many times uve done it...and showing cradentials (winipeg ballet....) and i mentioned the one bari we had...and ur like ow hwe had him the 3nd time round that really does not have a tone of lets talk about shared experiences and yes...u might disagree with me about singers...however... happen to have an older sister who has worked with many many top notch canadian talent (doenst matter who they are) and most of them have an attitude doesne mean they are not nice but in order to survive in that world, u have to be comforable with ur degree of talent, and able to sell it...often times comes across as being pompious and u might think of me as being generally negitvi or cynical It is an easy conclusionn Im sure but it is not even close to the truth I am rahter laid back... I am also really into budist type meditation (mindfullness based stress reduction speicicfially) and I have worked extreamly hard on not being cynical nor nbegative I have a lot of reasons to be both....but it is so far from who I am but again...its an easy conculsion to get to should one not step out of their own sphere and really examine the verbatum and word choices we use not an easy task for sure, cuz we always have our intended context

(500) Days of David says: I'm not really sure where to begin, so I think I'll choose not to. I think we have proven here tonight that the written word in real time can be a very precarious thing. I'm not going to defend the way I talk or try to explain myself cause I think we're just past trying to listen to the other. I'm really sorry that this is the impression you got, as I can assure you it is not one shared by anyone knows me, but that said, I don't imagine you have much interest in getting to know me, so let's say goodnight and good luck and, most of all, good bye.

Did you get through all that? Seriously? Cause I woulda checked out after point dexter here spelled Carmina Burana with a 'K'. Anyway, maybe I slipped myself a roofie or was just super depressed but this almost made me cry. I know. I want to walk away from me, too, right now. I was just so confused about how I could have come across as so horrible! I mean, we meet these kind of people all the time, ones that are always looking to play the victim based on the slightest possibility of misinterpretation. Clearly, this was not about me. Or maybe it is and I'm the delusional one, but realistically, no.

There were so many things I wanted to say to this guy as I sat there for 10 minutes as he composed his final (punctuation-lite) opus. In the end, as you can see, I simply chose not to as there could be no getting through to him and in the words of Madonna, "Your heart is not open, so I must go." Yeah. Referenced the fourth single off of Ray of Light. You're welcome, The World. I could have said that he certainly had a lot to say for someone who repeated twice that he hadn't given a second thought about me. I would say that clearly a little vaca to Tibet is in order because them Buddhist lessons are clearly not paying off. I would also suggest to him to ask the monks how to properly spell 'Buddhist' as clearly that'd been glossed over in his westernized training. I would say that, yes, I do try to expressed myself in an "elevated tone" as to not use the skills I have acquired seems a bit silly, but that I don't expect other people to rise to my "bar" but rather to have decent conversational skills. I would say that I understand that his conversational skills may have been impeded by his constant Laughing Out Loud and simultaneous reading of How To Mask Your Nervous Breakdown Recovery By Calling People Hon A Bunch. I would say that it's time to stop using the word "sad" interchangeably (as in well seemed like "u needed to upstage me its actually...making u sound kinda sad") with "functioning at a level which I am not equipped to deal with and confuses me." Can we reclaim the word "sad," people? It's something that fills you misery, not misguided self-superiority. That this person is so unhappy with their existence (57friendsonfacebook say what?) and mistrustful of others around them really did make me sad. In fact, it made me so sad that I copied it into an e-mail for three friends just so they would tell me immediately that I was not an awful person. So sad that I stopped drinking my glass of wine. See them four horses in sky? Yeah.

So had I felt it would do any good, I might have said some or all of that. Rather, I sadly closed my laptop, rode my bike to a friend's and had him ply me with vodka and chocolate cake until I fell asleep on his couch. Was this the easy way out? Maybe. Was this indicative that my msn days are drying to a close? Quite possibly. Was this taking the high road and acting with a bit of grace, a bit of maturity, despite publishing his e-mail address, kermitty75@hotmail.com, in my blog?

*stares up at the night sky*

I hope so.