Thursday, February 25, 2010

Blanket statement: Videos of beautiful, shirtless men singing pretty songs will always and forever be one of the greatest things ever. Yeah. That sentence made sense, muthafukas.

Oh Jay...why do you and the Madonna-esque gap between your two front teeth keep insisting on not falling madly in love with me?... Wazzat? Cause we've never met and the only contact we've ever had is when I left a singular comment on your blog? Oh right. SHUT UP I DO NOT FALL TO YOUR LOGIC.

This morning there were two girls in the subway seeking donation for sick kids with heart disease. Or worms. I wasn't really paying attention. In my experience, there are three kinds of non-riders you'll encounter in the subway: charitable donations seekers, buskers and people handing out mini samples of Kraft Dinner (I do not know why they do this. I don't have all the answers, people). The girls were about 13 or 14 so why they were doing this at 5:00pm escapes me, though if I had to guess... retarded elderly girl scouts. One of them was small and demure, holding out her tin with both hands and an optimistic half-smile while the other was a dead ringer for Shamu with a mouth to match.

"Change for sick kids! Want to donate change to sick kids?!" she shouted in what I believe to have been whale song.

It's not that I am prejudice against fat people. Well, no more than most people. It's just that - okay, don't turn on me but - you know she totally bogarted her wee friend's KD sample!!!! This, I cannot abide! Also, and it's not as though I take pleasure in making fun of tweens, but if you're 14 and wearing a Hannah Montana leisure suit that barely covers the blossoming fupa you've been're not on my side. In life, I mean. Still, I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt (you know, that she had an Achey Breakey Dad) until there was a huge influx of people, all of whom were ignoring her, and suddenly this massive humpbacked whine of "DOESN'T ANYBODY WANT TO GIVE MONEY TO SICK KIDS?!?!?!?!?!?!" echoed across the whole station. This bitch was seriously trying to find Nemo. I audibly whispered, "Jeezus..." and the cute guy in the argyle sweater in front of me turned around and smiled.

David: 1 Free Willy: 0

Also, a quick note to old people:

Hey! Old People! Learn how to use Gmail properly or get the fuck off my interwebz! When you receive a group message about your goddamned Jewish community choir, do not - I repeat, DO NOT - reply all! Cause then my ass is stuck deleting every single one of your "I'm in! Sign me up!" or "I'm out of porridge :( " messages cause I can't stand to look at the entire cascading conversation riddled with names like taking up my whole freakin' screen! Now go spread Ben Gay on something!

You know what? That's it! You're getting your own tag! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCK!!!98Q29570YNc0q75yqwt6-yuT]-'


Pat Tillett said...

FUPA..I just looked down to make sure my shirt was tucked in.

I love learniing new words. I'm going to use "FUPA" in a sentence today.

I just stumbled upon your blog and think it's hilarious. I'm going to tag along if you don't mind!

Michael Park said...

Love, love, love this post!
Poor little downtrodden whale-girl...

Sandra said...

"I'm out of porrige :( ", hahahahahahahaha! That and the ben gay = win!

Anonymous said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The KD and the wee know I can't handle that shizz!

Welcome Pat! makes him feel good to have readers. :)

See you soon D!


The Illustrious D said...

Please do not scare the n00bies with tales of how comments on this blog are the only medium of validations for my life.

But for serious, welcome Pat. OMG DON'T EVER LEAVE ME!!!!!!!!