In a similar vein as my occasional fixation with pop music, I am going through a reliving of my favourite childhood cartoons via YouTube. While I certainly enjoyed Dino-Riders, Just Like Mom and you've already heard my view on Captain Planet, my favourite kids show of all time may shock in its obvious lack of manliness. No, it's not Take Part cause DON'T EVEN GET MY STARTED ON THAT SHIT I WILL END YOU. No, the most character defining show of my pubescence was Jem and The Holograms.
I know, right?
I feel the obsession began right from the intro, an infectious 80's bubblegum offering encouraging me to "be a Jem girl." Clearly, as witness to my parental request for the Jem fashion templates, this suggestion was taken to heart (I was given New Kids On The Block templates instead; fuck you, Dad). The animation in this opening also had a lot more frames per second than normal, resulting in her dance moves looking like that of a real person. It was like cartoons actually existed, people. Mind. Blown. One would imagine that the minute number of young boys who actually watched the show would identify with Jem's road-manager/boyfriend of her alter ego Jerica, Rio. Not this little fucker. I realize this comes as quite a surprise given my reputation for amazing road managing skills and occasionally purple hair. But Jem was so hot! Like, Kelly Kapowski hot. And didn't (don't) I want to be hot. Plus they all had wicked coloured hair and makeup the shapes of shapes all over their faces. The latter, I feel, inspired me and a visiting cousin to draw all over each other's faces with crayola markers when we were about 6. Bath time that night was not pleasant. How many 6 year-olds has Hannah Montana inspired to draw on their cousins' faces with crayola markers? Me thinks, by the cool silence from Camp Cyrus at press time, not a lot.
While this show, which aired at 2:00pm every weekday afternoon on YTV, was the highlight of my day, seeing it now brings up some serious moral conflicts. First of all, Rio kisses Jem in, like, the second episode. Looks like it takes less than 44 minutes to go from devoted boyfriend/handyman of the Starlight House for orphans to straight up pink-pubes lovin' cheater. Uh, Rio, someone wants to speak to you. So to review, here's a chick who deceives her boyfriend, makes a move on him while under the guise of an internationally recognized song stylist and when he is all "Yeah, baby, let's do this!" thinks not about the fact that he is a trifflin' man ho (entrapment doesn't negate ho-dom. Don't even try that shit with me.) but rather chastises herself for not telling him that her dead father's masturbatory holographic robot lady projects rock star style onto her body through her earrings. Duuuuuuuude. Also, who the hell is looking after those little orphan fuckers while everyone's on tour? The Misfits?! Uh, I don't think so, buddy! Is it possible to call Child & Family Services on animated characters? Cause let me tell you: speed dial, motherfuckers.
New favourite thing: Fuck You, Penguin. Goddamnit! People need to stop being funnier than me!