I have decided to procure more people to have at my beck and call - 'friends', if you will - and have decided to examine how this may be realized.

Now, do you remember those old Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials, wherein they would show a short vignette with a moralistic ending framing a specific virtue, like an episode of Full House in 30 seconds? You do?! Great. Then you'll remember that in one such scene there were three little girls having a tea party that revolved around these amazing looking cupcakes. Then a fourth little girl, very shy, slightly Rainman, is ushered into the room at which point the original Supremes start protectively eyeing their cupcakes. After 5 seconds riddled with unparalleled social tension, the mini-hostess, let's call her Li'l Debbie, reaches over, picks up a knife (way to rock child safety principles, Mormons) and cuts one quarter from each treat, allowing each little girl to have 3/4 of a cupcake, upon which all the girls break out into gap-toothed grins and giggles. Why? I have no idea. This isn't funny. Girls are stupid. Regardless, it's a lesson on friendship.

Ok, that right there is the opposite of what I'm going to do. Cause let me tell you kids, I've been asked to participate in a couple of group sharing sessions in my time and they did NOT work out well for me. Granted the spreading around of my muffin was in those cases extremely metaphorical and quite the opposite of what the Mormons go for (chastityundergarmentssaywhat?). Still, other avenues, I feel, need to be explored.

I have considered posting a personals ad on craigslist. Not for any illicit or even romantic purpose, but rather one that is slightly off the beaten track: lunch buddy. You see, during my daily lunch breaks in the downstairs there are any number of people sitting alone, people that work in the two adjoining 22-story buildings and some of them even look interesting (read: under 30, no khakis). Given that I alternate lunch times with the only person in my office within a decade of retirement, I thought I'd put out an APB for a stranger with whom to shoot the proverbial shihat. I imagine, were I to get any responses, that some of these meetings would be unmitigated disasters. Hilarious, hilarious disasters. They may, however, break up the monotony of a day spent far too frequently looking up sitcom lines on Wikiquote. Plus it would beat the creepiness of just staring at random people, an act I've recently termed eye-rape. It's like eye-fucking but without any consensual reciprocity.

Other than that, I don't really know, so I shall open up the forum to anyone who has met a friend in a strange and (preferably) lawful situation. Given that my last open forum regarding toilet paper illicited one response (what up, Bender? Mad props), let's put on those socially inappropriate thinking caps and find me some peeps.

My Answers to the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being so of the moment that neither the future nor the past dwell in my head.

What is your greatest fear?
Aimlessness

What historical figure do you most identify with?
Oscar Wilde

Which living person do you most admire?
Tori, Gabi

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Inability to be organic/live in the moment

What trait do you most deplore in others?
Lack of communication/emotional transparency

What is your greatest extravagance?
Food, time

On what occasion do you lie?
Insignicant moments when a lie is easier than explaining the twisted rationality in my decision making

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
My feet are gross; receding hairline

What is your favorite journey?
The distance between fingertips

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Temperance

Which living person do you most despise?
Anyone who is an extremist

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
"I"

What is your greatest regret?
Trying sex on drugs

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Music and, tragically, this guy

When and where were you happiest?
Katie Smith's backyard, 2004; First kiss, 2001

Which talent would you most like to have?
Dance. Always, always, always.

What is your current state of mind?
Isolation

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Dwelling so much in the past and the future that there is no present.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
An older sister or twin brother

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?
Person

If you could choose what or who to come back as, what would it be?
Someone French. That is all I know.

What do your consider your greatest achievement?
This year's Chai concert

What is your most treasured possession?
My wallet

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Unrequited text messaging

What is your most marked characteristic?
Over-analytical; dramatic change in introvertedness based on my surroundings/company

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Tenderness

What is the quality you most admire in a woman?
Sense of humour. Specifically, mine.

What do you most value in your friends?
Their ability to be there when I feel that I need them and even moreso when I actually do

Who are your favourite writers?
Gilbert Adair; Vikram Seth; Tennesse Williams

Who is your favourite hero of fiction?
Edmund Tyrone, Long Days Journey Into Night; Hannah Pitt, Angels In America; Ariel

Who are your heroes in real life?
John Cameron Mitchell; Julie Andrews; my hairdresser

What are your favourite names?
Erik, Sebastian, Sarah, Yael

What is it that you most dislike?
Caution; the smell of Downey

How would you like to die?
First

What is your motto?
This happened as it did not because it was meant to but rather because it could not have happened any other way.

"On the subway I told you (in my badly-accented French), "You are very pretty." I was serious. I think you're the most beautiful person in world."

Ok, seriously. How cute is that?

And I walk beside him
With a centaur's step
Unlucky shoe trailing behind sure foot
Small worlds for balls in his feet
That turn and spin
As my head and mind follow suit

And I walk beside him
A LiveGhostJournal
Frying, small voice inquiring
After his proclaimer's resonance
Wondering if his secret is gifted to me
Or a cut and paste job
Control x, control v

The elevator's cautious simmer
Alive and sometimes well to this day
Belated
Perhaps the overflowing boil of 17
Now bruised and lacerated
Is biding, biding
Bidding on the future
Tense
Biting tongue
So that the whole truth is blood
Cornering mouth, coating lung
Wishing for his lips as serviettes
Dab once, dab twice
Chasing tail, like three blind mice
And I run to the carving knife
As I walk beside him

There are times where we need to do things for our own sanity. Moments where we do not expect to receive what we ultimately wish for but rather just hope to alleviate the pressures self-imposed on our mental health. These pressures can bear down on the soul so hard that they can cause us to make decisions with implications far worse than anything we might do or say to alleviate the pressure, like a tumor deep inside the brain placing dampers on basic rational functions. These are the things we do to guard ourselves, small battles that we forfeit in order to win the war, as we've all lost wars and know that the reparations are far greater than that of one fight. And if the war is indeed worthy of the guns and soldiers and families that you throw into it, these sacrifices will make it all worth while in the end. An overactive mind truly is a battlefield and you've got to be careful when removing mines and keeping your head clear. And one day, if you are smart and self-preserving, you will gaze onto this mineless mind field and feel that it has paid off as the flowers begin to grow again.

Alright, children, settle down. The lapse in floygns with which to fleek has been due predominantly to the fact that I'm a working boyagain *flash of that corporate smile* and that that the romantic neuroses centre of my brain has been working in overdrive for the pastseveral weeks. There has been much going on and to the end I present a special installation entitled "5 x 5"


5 Awesome Things About Getting a Psychiatric Evaluation

1. I got to talk about myself for an hour non-stop.
2. I did not have to lie down on a couch, potentially resulting in double chins and hints at my true hairline, both of which prevent fulldisclosure with the assumed-hot shrink that'd be poking mah head.
3. The assumption regarding hotness was waaaaaaaay off, so my flop sweat was kept to a minimum. Furthering the tidings of great joy, hewas a very nice, mild-mannered (read: homosexual) man that refrained from using the phrase, "And how do you feel about that?"
4. No, seriously, have you ever just talked about yourself for an hour? It is freakin' fantastic! Plus, for someone that spends as muchtime psychoanalyzing himself as this kid does, it was nice to speak some of it outloud and have it affirmed by real human ears.
5. I was assessed "developmentally normal" and was told that there wasno grounds to proceed with talk therapy. Suck on that, Jew School.


5 Awesome Performance Experiences I've Had Since Moving

1. Regina Spektor - Dear Lord, that fiery Jewess can rock a piano. Also, my loins.
2. One EskimO - The opening band for Tori. Yeah, that's right. Tori didn’t make the list but her opening band did. I don't want to talkabout it. Anyway, they create beautiful sonic gems and each member has a corresponding cartoon animal character. Done.
3. The Nightengale at the COC - Rarely performed music, shadow acting, puppets and a lake. It was just art.
4. Il Mondo della Luna at U of T - In addition to seeing friends, both new and old, perform, I saw two different casts within a 24 hourperiod, which was pretty much just self-pleasure for my inner (and outer) music critic.
5. Iphegénie en Tauride at Opera Atellier - The first reformist opera I've ever seen as well as the first opera that truly used performancepractice; I pretty much did a number 3 in my pants when the thunder machine started. The singing was also passionate and sounded like thelanguage it was in as opposed to all that bel canto crap. I said it. I'm edgy.


5 Names of People At My Work That Are Funny to Me

1. Tat Tam - C'mon...
2. Jenny Poon - My blog needs a shower.
3. Debbie Mohammed and Debbie Singh - The India/Pakistani conflict mere cubicles apart
4. Razia Jeena - Ok, her name is not funny. But her job? Cluster Liaison. Sign me up.
5. Bernie Peters - It's a woman. Do you know what that means, people? I have Bernadette Peters working in my office.


5 Song Lyrics That Apply Right Now

1. Jay Brannan, "Can't Have It All":do we hold the future, or does it come in peace?and if it's in my hands, are you sure it should be in brittle hands like these?life, love, and the pursuit of all the things they promised mecan i have all of the above? are the best things in life truly free?
2. One EskimO, "The Chosen One"You might not be the chosen oneStill you wait for your time to come
3. Tori Amos, "Sugar"SugarHe brings me sugarAnd all the robins bringThey bring me many thingsBut sugarHe brings me sugarAs far as I can tellI've been gone for miles now
4. Stars, "Elevator Love Letter"I'm so hard for a rich girlMy heels are high, my eyes cast lowAnd I don't know how to loveI get so tired after midday, latelyI take it out on my good friendsBut the worst stays inOh where would I begin?
5. One Eskimo, "Astronaut"It's a funny, old worldFull of headaches and turmoilBut whenever you need spaceI guess it's okayIf you're floating awayTo be nothing at allWe can be astronautsIf you want toGet out of here


5 Notions About Myself That Are Quickly Being Disproved

1. That I could get out of the way of a mad gunmen: In this case, it's not my different ableness that would trip me up but rather my OCD when it comes to spatial awareness and order. I would see the guy and rather than jump behind something/one, I'd think "I gotta get outtathe way…but I don't want to drop my Starbucks on the floor cause that would make a mess."
2. That I can't cut my own hair: Does it look amazing? No. Does it look boho-decent and have I save lots of money and BMS (Balding Man Syndrom) embarassment? You betcha.
3. That I can't run: Ok, this one is not entirely true, but I sorta can on the elliptical! I have a working theory that the more days ittakes for your muscles to feel sore after a workout, the harder you exercised. My last time was Thursday and my ass started killing metoday. Buns of Tin, here I come!
4. That I can contend with playing only one game of Bejewelledd Blitz: It's my Lays, man.
5. That I'm getting more rational with age: I've started having conversations with myself as I fall asleep, I've begun praying (orsomething akin) in synagogue and I spend just as much time mooning over boys as when I was 16 except that it's much less cute 9 yearslater. I've even changed my phone's settings to automatically save my Sent messages so as to ensure that they did, in fact, go through andthat their recepients are, in fact, simply not responding because I am, in fact, a social pariah. This is the rationale we're dealingwith, people. Sidenote: upon typing '9 years' I threw up a little in my mouth.