Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I have decided to procure more people to have at my beck and call - 'friends', if you will - and have decided to examine how this may be realized.

Now, do you remember those old Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials, wherein they would show a short vignette with a moralistic ending framing a specific virtue, like an episode of Full House in 30 seconds? You do?! Great. Then you'll remember that in one such scene there were three little girls having a tea party that revolved around these amazing looking cupcakes. Then a fourth little girl, very shy, slightly Rainman, is ushered into the room at which point the original Supremes start protectively eyeing their cupcakes. After 5 seconds riddled with unparalleled social tension, the mini-hostess, let's call her Li'l Debbie, reaches over, picks up a knife (way to rock child safety principles, Mormons) and cuts one quarter from each treat, allowing each little girl to have 3/4 of a cupcake, upon which all the girls break out into gap-toothed grins and giggles. Why? I have no idea. This isn't funny. Girls are stupid. Regardless, it's a lesson on friendship.

Ok, that right there is the opposite of what I'm going to do. Cause let me tell you kids, I've been asked to participate in a couple of group sharing sessions in my time and they did NOT work out well for me. Granted the spreading around of my muffin was in those cases extremely metaphorical and quite the opposite of what the Mormons go for (chastityundergarmentssaywhat?). Still, other avenues, I feel, need to be explored.

I have considered posting a personals ad on craigslist. Not for any illicit or even romantic purpose, but rather one that is slightly off the beaten track: lunch buddy. You see, during my daily lunch breaks in the downstairs there are any number of people sitting alone, people that work in the two adjoining 22-story buildings and some of them even look interesting (read: under 30, no khakis). Given that I alternate lunch times with the only person in my office within a decade of retirement, I thought I'd put out an APB for a stranger with whom to shoot the proverbial shihat. I imagine, were I to get any responses, that some of these meetings would be unmitigated disasters. Hilarious, hilarious disasters. They may, however, break up the monotony of a day spent far too frequently looking up sitcom lines on Wikiquote. Plus it would beat the creepiness of just staring at random people, an act I've recently termed eye-rape. It's like eye-fucking but without any consensual reciprocity.

Other than that, I don't really know, so I shall open up the forum to anyone who has met a friend in a strange and (preferably) lawful situation. Given that my last open forum regarding toilet paper illicited one response (what up, Bender? Mad props), let's put on those socially inappropriate thinking caps and find me some peeps.


Michael Park said...

Gee Golly, this post made me so happy!
I love Rainman!

I'm a big fan of direct approaches. If you're open to disasters through internet lunch meeting, then why not just sit down with a random person?

Some approaches:
The Rainman
Carry a box of toothpicks or straws around with you, and when you accidentally drop it, you can impress them with your ability to tell them exactly how many there are on the floor.

The Forest Gump
2 options:
1) Offer people chocolate, and then tell them that 'life is like a box of chocolates'.
2) Awkwardly look at the empty seats beside people. They'll either say 'seats taken' or they'll invite you to sit down with them!

Both of these techniques end in Instant Friendship!

Sandra said...

Haha, what? What did I do? Remind me! :D

I've met tons of people on the internet. Some have been what you would expect: desperate, lonely, pathetic losers who talk about themselves too much and are slightly socially unacceptable. Some of them are very nice people that you meet once and think, huh, so you're in the world, too. Whaddya know. But you don't need to talk to them more than that once. And some are genuinely good people. I still maintain that one of my two closest friends is someone I met online and was friends with for three years before we ever met in person. And now it's been five years, and we've still only ever spent that one week being in the same geographical space. It was a glorious week! Otherwise, the phone and the internets suffice us. And I'm all about the "no sexings, please" section on craigslist! Note: some of them are clearly "I want sex" ads in disguise. Very thin disguise, usually. I think your chances of lunch-buddy (luddy? Bunchy?) finding are fairly good!

I've also very occasionally started conversations with strangers at the bus stop. Good place for it, when you're so bored (hello, 45 minute Winnipeg bus transfers!) you could claw out your own eyeballs, and lo! An old lady approacheth. What choice have you but to befriend her in silent demand for entertainment??

I want to know more about your muffin spreading. Also, I finally found a genuinely good restaurant in Winnipeg, one that doesn't even serve only pasta. It was Inferno's Bistro in St-Boniface, and for the 2 hours I was there, if I just pretended the architecture was beautiful, I could almost pretend I was back in Quebec. It was beautiful. When you come here, we're going there, even if I have to sell myself to pay for it. *dreams*

The Illustrious D said...

Thanks, you two, for doubling the amount of responses from last time.

Sandra, the shout out was in reference to my Toilet Paper Technique questionnaire from this summer. Also, Inferno Bistro is amazing! Good find!

Anonymous said...

I don't like having to wait for people to go out. When I feel like going out, I just do it. And here's one for you:
About three years ago now, I went to a bar and didn't know how to speak with. So I decided to look a which people looked the friendliest in the room and went to sit down with them. I just told those people the plain truth: "Hey people, I'm sorted of bored right now and decided to look at all the tables and find the one with the people who looked the friendliest to see if I could maybe sit with them. Do you mind if I totally randomly sit with you?"
The answer is yes. ALL the time. I've never got a no. But that precise evening I'm telling you about, I met a guy who was going to become my boyfriend. At that time, he was with his ex-girlfriend. A year later, he was with me. He's now my ex too, but eh! My technique still works!
Try it! :-)


Anonymous said...

I think I need to meet Emilie. She sounds precious.

I talk to strangers. It's a good time, and often I learn something new about myself in the process.

Sandra- "An old lady approacheth"...hahahahahahaa!!! Amazing! And true.