I have decided to procure more people to have at my beck and call - 'friends', if you will - and have decided to examine how this may be realized.
Now, do you remember those old Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials, wherein they would show a short vignette with a moralistic ending framing a specific virtue, like an episode of Full House in 30 seconds? You do?! Great. Then you'll remember that in one such scene there were three little girls having a tea party that revolved around these amazing looking cupcakes. Then a fourth little girl, very shy, slightly Rainman, is ushered into the room at which point the original Supremes start protectively eyeing their cupcakes. After 5 seconds riddled with unparalleled social tension, the mini-hostess, let's call her Li'l Debbie, reaches over, picks up a knife (way to rock child safety principles, Mormons) and cuts one quarter from each treat, allowing each little girl to have 3/4 of a cupcake, upon which all the girls break out into gap-toothed grins and giggles. Why? I have no idea. This isn't funny. Girls are stupid. Regardless, it's a lesson on friendship.
Ok, that right there is the opposite of what I'm going to do. Cause let me tell you kids, I've been asked to participate in a couple of group sharing sessions in my time and they did NOT work out well for me. Granted the spreading around of my muffin was in those cases extremely metaphorical and quite the opposite of what the Mormons go for (chastityundergarmentssaywhat?). Still, other avenues, I feel, need to be explored.
I have considered posting a personals ad on craigslist. Not for any illicit or even romantic purpose, but rather one that is slightly off the beaten track: lunch buddy. You see, during my daily lunch breaks in the downstairs there are any number of people sitting alone, people that work in the two adjoining 22-story buildings and some of them even look interesting (read: under 30, no khakis). Given that I alternate lunch times with the only person in my office within a decade of retirement, I thought I'd put out an APB for a stranger with whom to shoot the proverbial shihat. I imagine, were I to get any responses, that some of these meetings would be unmitigated disasters. Hilarious, hilarious disasters. They may, however, break up the monotony of a day spent far too frequently looking up sitcom lines on Wikiquote. Plus it would beat the creepiness of just staring at random people, an act I've recently termed eye-rape. It's like eye-fucking but without any consensual reciprocity.
Other than that, I don't really know, so I shall open up the forum to anyone who has met a friend in a strange and (preferably) lawful situation. Given that my last open forum regarding toilet paper illicited one response (what up, Bender? Mad props), let's put on those socially inappropriate thinking caps and find me some peeps.