Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I think I understand addiction. Not the actual process of being addicted, as I'm not actually addicted to anything, Tori aside. I do think though that I can appreciate what is the driving force behind addiction. And I don't mean any specific kind of addiction (such as drug), just the general concept of addiction.

It's like this. You are given something or experience something that alters your reality in a way that you couldn't have imagined and it's exciting and fun and makes you so happy. Then suddenly it isn't there and there's a noticeable void where it once was. The knee jerk reaction is to try to reclaim that happiness as quickly as possible because, my God, it was so much better, wasn't it? However for most people with logical reasons, we understand that there is a reason we are no longer experiencing these sensation that is most likely healthier than the actual sensation itself (long overdue breakup, come down off drugs, etc.). Despite our urges, we maintain self control and even when we so desparately want to call that ex-lover or pop another cap (I'm not really sure how many 'we's there are that read my blog that fall into the latter category, but moving on). Addiction occurs when those urges are satisfied and we give in.

It's not hard to guess that this whole revelation is due to the party (read: rave) I went to on the weekend. It just wasn't great. The first third was awesome as usual but after that the vibe just went weird and I spent the last 5 hours just hoping for something good to happen, anything, any human connection, and it never did.

I talked about this quite a bit with U the next day, and for the first time we really discussed the negative side to the scene. It's a very superficial neverland, where most people are really gushy and nice at the beginning but it's so surface and the moment it seems you might want to actually discuss something serious or there's a problem, they're like, "Um, yeah, so later..." I'm starting to get to know people and be recognized a bit more by now, which is cool, but it's frustrating that it's so fake.

So now I have all the pluses and minuses of the scene and I really need to assess how much further I want to delve into it or if perhaps it's time to draw back a bit. Also, I love going with my girl, but she is so much further along then I am as far as knowing people and I feel like I want at least one other really solid person there with me as sometimes I am so overwhelmed by my surroundings. I still feel like such a wonderous child there, in an odd limbo between absolute love and social terror, being there on my own. I'll have to figure it out.

In the meantime, apologees to all you fine people who have to put up with me in the couple days afterwards.

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