Saturday, September 11, 2010

Sassy New Career Change. SASSY.

I just got the urge to post something for the first time in a couple weeks, so regardless of the shit that flies out, we're just gonna ride this one through together. As a family.

Sometimes just writing down what's going on can replace the need for help from another person. There's some stuff that's been going down for the past week that I haven't told anyone about. It's not that I think my friends and family will judge me negatively or anything, but I just don't feel that any of them will understand what it means. For the most part, my loved ones are pretty squeaky clean. I mean, some of them even think that pot is wrong; they have no concept of how addiction works and that stopping is as simple as flipping a switch. Still, this thing has been taking up so much of my time and energy and I'm getting scared of what might happen when I run out so I just need to hurl this admission into the internet universe and hope that something will help me, free me from its grasp:

I am addicted to Intervention.

It started simply enough. I'd heard about it for years, often when some Hollywood celebrity would talk about their experiences as a viewer, but I never thought that the junk would have any appeal to me. Then on a whim and two glasses of red last Monday I decided to watch an episode and after just one hour I was hooked. I couldn't get enough. As I watched more and more, I got a sick satisfaction from simultaneously drinking a vodka gimlet. In the first 24 hour period alone, I watched 9 episodes. These were really recent and easy to score, but after those were all watched, I just wanted more. I combed my usual video streaming websites like the dope fiends I craved in the hopes of finding some random sexually molested fuck up and their family cry for an hour...and allowing me to do the same. I don't think I even enjoy it at this point; it's more just a craving and I get really pissed off when the addiction is too common. "Oh fuck, not another heroin addict, Jesus..."

I need an Intervention intervention.

Otherwise, it's gonna get nasty, people. I almost want to develop an addiction just so I can be intervened upon by Candy Finnigan. As previously stated, addiction to prescription meds is for dicks, but I wouldn't mind a little alcoholism or coke habit. Something classy. On Intervention, the subject never knows that there's going to be an intervention; they just think they're in a documentary about addiction. Not the brightest bulbs smashed to liquefy meth on, these ones. As a bonus, I would totally lose my shit when I walked into the room and discovered what was going on. I'd be all "Oh helllllllllllllll naw!" and then run/wheeze away while the slightly obese camera man jiggled along beside me. I might even hit him. Cause I'm sassy.

BUT THEN (ooh, sorry, that got shouty. I'll calm down.) But then, I'd go to treatment and reform myself and then - wait for it - become one of the interventionists! Yes, that's a real word! I even have Jeff VandensomethingGerman's whole speech down:

"Well, [Insert name], I've been here since yesterday and I just see a bunch o' people who love you like crazy, so how this works is they're gonna say some things and then you're gonna say what you're gonna say and then we're done, sound good?"

Granted, ok, yes, I could have copied and pasted that speech but I didn't because I WOULD BE AN AMAZING INTERVENTIONIST.*

I mean, I have no psychological training whatsoever, but I'd make a go at it. Sassy, 'member? I'd just start intervening on people I know, knocking drinks out of people's hands, smashing my father's bacon lettuce & fried chicken fat sandwiches to the ground, randomly going up to strangers who litter and yell "INTERVENTION!" before tackling them to the ground and shoving the gum/beer can back in their mouths.



*Once I begin my interventionist career, I plan on moonlighting at Starbucks...so I can be an interventionista. And then - THEN - you will want my life. Yes, you will.

2 comments:

soft nonsense said...

CALLED IT.

And you denied your sassiness....you were just denying your true nature.

A fine return to the blogosphere, good sir.

Pat Tillett said...

Nice to see you back here...
This is another one of your hilarious stories that could be done on SNL, or some other show.
SERIOUSLY....
SASSY!