Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Oh, you guys, I'm struggling. Struggling, struggling, struggling. But good news: it's ok! It's a beautiful struggle. I'm finding all these ideas and concepts and precepts and mantras and theories and notions...all of them just flowing in, doing battle with each other. Not war-like battle, but more organizational battle. How to exist together battle, like trying to figure out how all the pieces of a room fit together.

Yes, I have feng shui battles.

There's a thirst right now to bring to configurations of thinking into being and, conversely perhaps, a desire to learn how to keep them at bay. It's like I want to know everything but rather than have it become instant gospel, I'd like to keep it all in a pen to fester and then settle, leaving, hopefully, some small truths that may be gleaned. I'm learning how to treat people, less reactionary, less 'helpful', which is really just another word for judgmental. I have this habit of throwing people away. I know this. I'm not saying that I've been necessarily wrong in doing this sometimes, but it is still a habit. I'm now thinking what would happen if instead of saying, "You know what? We had a good run. Thanks for playing," I let them, us, evolve into something else. Perhaps it would still end, that this shift was a sign that the relationship really does have an organic finish, but perhaps know, wouldn't and we'd enter into a different stage with completely different functions.

Ultimately, this is a decision to not walk away, which is sorely tempting on so many occasions. I'm going through this really messed up period with my father, which certainly does not need to be aired in cyberspace, but contains many issues surrounding alpha male domination and parental sovereignty...things of that nature. And there's distance, unlike since I was in my teens and I feel it as well this instinctual desire to just shut off, contented with my cranial soap operas now showing the cutting and eloquent things I would say to demonstrate how demeaning this situation is to us both. What I'm learning, however, is that this will not do. It will not get us anywhere and could provide a pattern of alienation that could last until his death; the seeds of alienation have been planted over issues far smaller than this. So this is one of the struggles: how to maintain personal integrity (read: pride) while not catering to these base, irrational debates in which one is asked to participate. I don't know of course, hence the struggle, but rather than come to one conclusion and declare it god and master, I'm going to put the options at my disposal in that pen we were talking about earlier and let them stew, see what happens.

Ugh, this was so not intended to be a Daddy Issues diatribe but I just realized how late it is and must retire lest the Mennos decide to take up midnight tap dance lessons.


Jonny Talbot said...
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Jonny Talbot said...

Wandering, wondering and pondering. It's amazing how much time we spend thinking about things. I have so much free time out here in Korea, I can't stop thinking about random stuff. Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose? Where am I headed? A few months ago these questions were making me crazy, but now spring has finally arrived and I feel more at peace. I doubt that I can really give you any words of wisdom but I can tell you how I unwind. Long walks, CBC podcasts, a cup of tea and cross-stitching. I know... I sound like an old granny but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you.