I've just come to what may be a rather large epiphany. But first, some back story.
Last weekend contained much partying and what with the combination of family gatherings and social events, many ellicit substances were ingested and some events occurred that, while not of extreme importance, have caused me to come to the conclusion that I need to just slow down for a couple weeks and take some Zen time for me. This includes, but is not limited to, abstinence from chemically-altering substances and physical contact that includes anything beyond hugs. Very temporary, but I just feel I need some balance. I'm very happy with this decision.
On to the epiphany.
I just finished watching 'thirteen' (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0328538/) an incredibly raw film about a thirteen year old's descent into drugs, sex, and emotional choas. It's amazing if difficult to watch. However I'm am well past thirteen and so my epiphany was derived not by the plot line but rather the final shot of the female protagonist's brother, who is supposed to be about 15 (Don't judge; he looks about 18), and I thought, "Hey now, that is a good looking fellow. Perfect in fact as he isn't so good looking that he seems unattainable." Then a little scene flashed before my eyes completely unchoreographed of this guy doing a little dance, sheet wrapped around his waist, naked torso with just a little bit of pudge (attainable), and suddenly from this nonesensical demi-second fanstasy, a little though hit me.
I am not capable of having an adult relationship.
I do in fact mean a romantic adult relationship as I'm apparently rather good at platonic adult relationships. Nevertheless, this little scene was no different then one I would have imagined at 17, the age of my first romantic relationship. I still want the exact same things. I still want someone who isn't jaded yet by romance, with whom I can really experience things with for the first time, without hesitation or inhibition, someone who doesn't know any better than to just jump in along side me. In essence, I have not evolved (in this department) in the past 4 years.
I've not evolved in the past four years. What does this mean? Well, for starters, no wonder nothing has worked for the past couple years! This explains why I have no desire for older men despite the fact that I thought we were on a similar emotional level. As for the youngins, I want to be on their level but then I go an use words like capricious and freak them out, plus most of the time they just annoy the hell out of me cause, um, hi, THEY'RE 17!
So am I destined to die alone and unloved? Hell no. This is so not that epiphany. I'm due for that one in about 15 years. I am however doomed to this Peter Pan Syndrome, which is fine given the celibacy thing. So I dunno. This really has no conclusion, so I'm just gonna go about life now. Yeah.