Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Baker Baker
Baking a cake
Make me a day
Make me whole again
And I wonder
What's in a day
What's in you cake this time
-T. Amos

I feel that I am in a period of transition, as though I'm being torn between multiple dimensions. I'm not overtly depressed but I'm certainly not content either and yet I seem to lack the motivation to affect anything. It's this constant cycle of doing one thing that I don't want to do to another to another to another until the end of all time and I die. Well, not really. There will hopefully be little to no death involved. I see myself becoming more and more insolent lately, and just incapable of putting up with things and moreso people. It seems everyone and their dog is pissing me off, and not because they're acting any differently than how they normally do, but all their little isms are just irking me so. Things that I thought were so solid are showing cracks. Specifically friendships are beginning to appear less flawless than before. Not when we are in each others presence, but rather when I am standing back looking at one of them with others or even by themselves, I'm finding myself asking, "How real are we?"

If we're being honest, there's something within me that feels the need to be important to everyone I know, to matter, to be special. This is not said in the hopes of getting overly sentimental e-mails from friends confirming their commitment to our relationship, though I wouldn't hate you for it. It's more to do with how sick it is that I resent the fact that were I not here, life would go on. I don't mean "not here" as in death, just that there would not be a global shift were I to not be here all of a sudden. In keeping with my existentialism, it really wouldn't matter (cause I wouldn't be here), but it's not exactly a fuzzy thing to think about.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. Probably not a good place. So I'm stopping. Just...guh, people.

1 comment:

Michael Park said...

existance preceeds essence my dear. If you feel that your world is really lacking that essence of David, you must ask yourself whether you are really existing... If thinking existentially, than we should be more conserned with whether our existance has actually affected the world around us. Im not saying you should try and make everyone emotionally and physically dependant on you, although.... you know I was feeling some withdrawl after not seeing you today....
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