It's kinda crooked, too.

So the other night I got kinda fucked up and invited some dude over for cuddles because evidently I never want to have any sexual relations ever again but still get a bit needy sometimes and we kinda just spooned-snoozed (spnoozed? Whatever) until, like, 1 pm the next day cause when you're not really sleeping you can stay in bed for, like, a long time, y'all. Anyway, as we were waking up (read: finally seeing what he looked like in the light) he was all, "I love your neck; it's so cute," and I was all, "Hey, thanks," but THEN today I standing in front of the mirror and was all, "Oh Em Gee what is wrong with my body?...Oh holy crap, it's my neck." It's, like, seriously skinny. Like gross gross skinny anorexia-of-the-neck skinny neck. So, like, what's that all about? Plus, this is my first post in a really long time so I know all y'all thought it'd be epic or at least funny, but joke's on you, babies, cause other than unemployment and accidentally breaking glassware, there ain't a lot going on up in herrrr.

Fucking neck.

Not my body; still my choice

One of the bloggers that I follow posted recently about needing switch birth control methods and consequently taking the Planned Parenthood "What method of birth control is right for YOU?" online test.

Birth control is not really a problem that effects me, and by "is not really a problem" I mean "will never possibly in a million bajillion years except if I get drunk and overly confident in a bi threesome be a problem."

That said, I fucking love online multiple-choice tests and so I thought, what the hell, and opened up my mind and my pretend vulva to Planned Parenthood. Also, the knowledge that plannedparenthood.org would be permenantly archived in my work's Big Brother-esque internet monitoring system coupled with the fact that I'm outta here in a week makes me kinda wet in my pretend vulva.

I waded through a myriad of tough questions: Would my partner* be willing to pull out? Would I be okay with an initial couple months of side effects, such as tender breasts? What is the most important quality about my chosen birth control? Would I be comfortable with inserting objects into my vagina? My answers in these cases were no**, yes and "That it prevents pregnancy" and "depends on the squishy level."

After 3 gruelling and soul-searching minutes, PP gave it to me straight:

Conclusion: I am not responsible enough to be in charge of my own birth control and clearly need to be monitored by a medical professional to ensure I don't fuck it up.

Wow, Planned Parents. Judgey McJudgejudge Judgersons. Thanks, Mom. Also, they nailed it right in the vag.***



*Okay, I was typing on autopilot and initially wrote "parents." Paging Dr. Freud...

**He'd be all "Ooh, baby, I'll totally pull out. I wanna cum all over your tits," but I'd know better cause he's an ass man.

*** *shudder*