Friday, October 09, 2009

10 Fashion Trends That Need To Stop

10. Hollister shirts - I've said it before and I'll say it again: you look like a douche. Aside from the store essentially just being A & F's slightly challenged little cousin, wearing what amounts to a Fruit of the Loom shirt with block lettering on it for $50 just confirms your douchery.

9. Skinny jeans - You know who looks good in these? No one. Even the people that do look good in them still look like disasters. When you American Apparel drones can interchange jeans with lycra leggings, it's really time to stop.

8. American-style sunglasses - of any sort. Venetian blinds, Buddy Holly ('cept for Dan Levi; lurve you), anything but black, white or earth tone...what it boils down to is that if your sunglasses don't make you look like you're a) navigating the streets of Rome of on a Moped, b) stepping onto a yacht in 1966, or c) landing a WWII era fighter jet...just kill yourself.

7. V-neck tees - I love v-necks. To a degree. But when we can see your navel and you're not Rex Harrington, you need to take it up a couple inches. And trust me, a couple inches can make aaaaall the difference in the world.

6. Purple v-neck tees - Yes, these are so bad that they deserve a separate ranking. I love purple as a formal accent, like a mauve shirt or a purple-inclusive tie. But when your entire torso is adrift in a sea of crayola crayon royal purple, one of two things is going on. If you're straight, this is the sartorial equivalent of knitting; it's nothing but a faux-sensitive display to try to win the affects of the af-whore-mentioned skinny jeaned AA skanks. Or Michael Park. And if you're gay, then you're trying to make a statement about how out you are. You know what works better? Public displays of putting a penis in your mouth. Sure, it's a misdemeanor, but if you're that desperate for displays of homosexuality, you'll love prison.

5. Large purses - It looks like you're carting around a patent leather turkey with tassels. It's called a day bag, ladies. You can fit more stuff in them, they're chicer and you can still have a standard-sized purse for your lady junk. *shudder* Lady junk...

4. Tattoos - A little daisy on your ankle is cute. A collection that requires the implementation of a dewy decimal system is not. Seriously, do you know how lame those are going to look in 50 years? Better yet, do you know how lame those look right now? I'm all for self-expression, but if you want badly drawn variations of Microsoft clip art enrobing your corpus, just go out and by an Ed Hardy shirt, fool.

Oh Jesus, I just wanted to bitch about purple V-necks and now I'm stuck with a mother f*cking top ten list. Fail: Vamos.

3. Casual office wear - Dress casual is fine. If you wanna knock yourself at Reitman's and Mark's Work Warehouse, you go right ahead. But if your work outfits include Mickey Mouse sweat shirts, hot pink tanks with the spaghetti straps buried inches deep in your shoulder fat or anything contain a wolf, a bear or a loon, may God drop a cubicle wall on your Frito-eating ass.

2. Retro-Grunge Plaid- Hey, entire staff of Tequila Bookworm coffeehouse, it's not 1992 and Kurt Cobaine has moved on; shouldn't you?

1. Crocs - I'm sorry to leave you on a hack bit, but these really are the rubbery work of Beelzebub. I get that occasionally ugliness maskes a trend. Some are even named accordingly (Uggs). I get it. I think it's moronic. But I get it. This, however... so much ne pas. The colours are barf-worthy, they get filthier quicker than a Flava of Love reunion special and they kind of make you look like a Kiebler elf. So unless you are Rosie O'Donnell, Whoopie Goldberg or Sarah Halmarson...back the f*ck off.

I need to bathe.


Michael Park said...

On 6, you seem to neglect the fact that knitting only uses both hands - there's no reason why public displays of putting a penis in one's mouth while knitting is not the best indicator of sexuality.

In terms of the straight boys after skinny jean-hos... their attention is diverted.
I would hardly consider the lop-sided scarves they produce to be veritable knitting!

Anonymous said...

hahaha...animals on sweaters...

The Illustrious D said...

Michael, I'm glad that you're remaining true to your knitting standards. As for the oral sex/hands's called cupping.

And Sarah, sign your posts. <3