Friday, February 15, 2008
It's an odd state we're in, the two of us. Something new, but comfortable. Or perhaps, in fairness to accuracy, comforting. Ramblings about arriving at this junction despite different backgrounds seems trite as everyone is from different backgrounds. Otherwise, there would be no need for backgrounds. No, we're much more interesting in this moment. I think loneliness brought us together. One who gave something up and one who never had it to begin with. Lonely, perhaps, but certainly not regretful of our choices. And we have respect for the others choice, though I think it's largely due to ignorance. I have no clue what it's like to put aside something that was once grand when it's time - and bravo; many people cannot. You have no idea what it's like to have gone your entire life without someone to care for and vice versa. You know about deals, compromise, satisfaction. I know of independence, cynicism and observation. I mean really, what purpose have I served so far other than oracle to the love lives of others? Still, I wasn't to yours. It would have been impossible as our bonding point was its petit mort. We fill gaps, you and I. Gaps in conversation, in laughter. Not in bed. God, no. That would be slightly odd, if mostly against my nature. Still, if I turned, we'd be well-suited. At least, I like to think so. The lack of judgment is startling, as well. I find most often when there is little judgment, it is due to little interest; polite nods and mmm-hmmms for something I don't really care about hearing and they don't really care about sharing, at least not with me personally. They are mostly conversations of convenience, like one between a zebra and a house cat forced to share the same living quarters. I'm so glad it's not that between us. We are a lesson in evolution, how to build something without blueprints, just letting it be what it will be. It's so simple, isn't it? The enjoyment of someone's company. This world's inhabitants have a way of fucking it up though. So we lose. Not always, but enough. And we do foolish things. There are no necessarily dire consequences, just small silliness in the choices we make. Last night I decorated a cheesecake with a heart, opened a bottle of Shiraz and spent the night with someone. It would have been a romantically perfect evening if I could imagine, in a thousand years, ever being in love with him. You'll hear about this soon in a conversation I know we'll have and you'll understand. Perhaps not every detail, but why should you have to? You'll tap into a memory, an emotion, for which you may have done the same thing. And you'll nod. Sincerely. Nodding sincerely should be considered a lost art. Also including that list should be the ability to call at the exact moment I need it. It's rather uncanny. Perhaps they can put you on the tenure track for teaching that one. Anyway, I don't need to use a public forum to express my gratitude, but here's something just for you.