1. Sardonic bitch and host of Chelsea Lately, Chelsea Handler. I'm sorry to everyone that's spent time with me in the last week and thought, "What the hell happened to Vamos? He's an asshole." Now you know why.
2. The new bikes at the gym with steerable handle-bars and a dragon-chasing game. Pssst, that's code for staring at nakedness in the locker room.
3. Raw scallops
4. Raw sex.
Anybody? Anybody?
5. The new Metric CD and the Wicked soundtrack. My iPod is seriously bipolar right now.
6. Being in the 25-34 age demographic. Yes, it was traumatic for a moment, but then I realized that it's like being the young hottie of the group all over again. 25 is the new 18.
7. Trying to be a more graceful person and failing nightly when I lie awake every night cursing the boys upstairs and their tap-shoe-wearin' ways.
8. Chai. Just kidding - it's eating my brain and I fucking want to kill everyone. But all y'all should still come on down May 19th to see why I've been such a douche of a friend for the last couple months.
9. Ebola
10. The following letter, which came across my desk the other day and which I have lovingly typed out for all of you to read. Enjoy!
Dear David,
Um, so, what the shit? I know you're all rah-rah-rah about joining the Y (dream big, friend), but we've seriously got to talk about a little something United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon likes to call moderation. I know me and my pal, who incidentally is busy being humped by Finnigan right now, have been kind of douchey to you for the past, oh, 17 years but if payback's a bitch, you bought out the whole goddamned pound. I know you felt like a big man doing your 10-9-8... countdown reps on the leg press, but damnit man, you nearly killed us. We're practically eligible for disability benefits at the moment. So go, do your thing, but seriously du-...aw, shit, Finnigan just peed on Lefty. Sonovabitch!...
Love,
Your Right Quad Muscle
