Monday, August 25, 2008


-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, August 24, 2008 4:39 PM
Subject: list of fears secret

A friend of mine made a list of his fears and insecurities and had a friend of his make one of hers too in order to make me feel better when I was struggling with some personal problems. In return, I had to make one of mine. I was surprised at how long it was. Even more so, I was surprised at how therapeutic it was to share all of our darkest secrets with each other. I cried at first, but then we laughed about it and turned it into a joke.

I don't think I could've found healing so complete in anything other than those lists and the deeper connection it formed, even if it was temporary. I still read those lists sometimes. I get the same sort of feeling I get as when I read PostSecret, only it's a little more overwhelming. There's just a strong sense of belonging and connecting, of not being so alone anymore.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Well, I'm game. I'm afraid...

1. That I'll never find love. Oh, we all knew that one was coming so let's just get it out of the way. What is this, your first time on this blog? Get over it.

2. Of birds. Seriously. What the shit? Ground animals can only go side to side and forward and back; birds are fucking 3D! And with the little beaks and claws...gah.

3. That I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

4. That I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up.

5. Of angering people. I don't do well with that, even if I know that I am unequivocally in the right. I just don't like being yelled at.

6. Of being broke. I'm so fucking Jewish. I get really anxious if I don't have some sort of payment on me. The knowledge that with my credit and debit cards, I have enough money to get me from Siberia to my doorstep is a very comforting thought and when they're not on me, I'm deeply unsettled.

7. Of having to watch my parents express emotions. It's weird. My mother cried last week at my father's 60th birthday toast and I almost ralphed.

8. Of homophobia. What is that? Homophobiaphobia? In any case, I'm so not the social vigilante I dream of being in those situations. I tend to just sit there and stew and wish that everyone was queer for one day just to see what it was like.

9. Of heights. Though not really of heights, per se, so much as falling from heights. Heights by themselves are fine.

10. Of Virginia Wolff. Did you see The Hours? Bitch is scary.

11. Of the pedophile in the movie Little Children. That character was the cause of my only adult nightmares.

12. That two of my former dates/acquaintances/whatevers will start dating. It's bad enough when one starts dating a stranger, but somehow, if I know them both, I assume that talking about how much I sucked is like foreplay to them.

13. Of not having messages returned. That's why I don't leave them.

14. Of Male troubles. See previous post.

15. That I'll never make a truly great cream sauce. I'm a good cook; why the shit can't I do this?

16. Of starting anything that has the potential for failure, like a work out regimen. Cause better that I just not do it at all than to be in shape for 3 months?

17. Of Tori Amos, Madonna, Emily Haines and all those really strong female musicians that seem like they don't really like anyone.

18. That I'm too clever for my own good sometimes. This sounds like an ego booster; it's not.

19. Of becoming one of the lifers in opera chorus. Ugh.

20. To eat at Baked Expectations. EVERYONE has a horror story from that place, including mine of food poisoning by tia maria torte on my birthday. Dessert Sinsations 4 Life, yo.

21. To shave my head. My aunt suggested it last week and I've been seriously contemplating it, but that...that is a commitment. Plus, what I do about facial hair, sideburns, etc. These are the questions I have.

22. Of my dog. He's an asshole.

23. Of my dad's "Let's talk about sex" talks. I'm 24. You can stop now. And please never use the word "release" in my presence again.

24. Of not having any comments in response to this post.

3 comments:

Michael Park said...

I once had a terrible fear of black backgrounds with white text - thankfully I live in a happier world now!!

Jonny said...

I have a fear that I will never see my family and friends again. I'll be back. Check my korea blog.

Émilie, géographe en devenir said...

It's funny, I have one of the best memories at baked expectations. I remember eating that piece of cake and drinking a hot chocolate with ameretto in your company, and you had a piece of lime pie (probably has just as many calories, just so you know! ;-) ) and afterthat, you drove me back to my place, I did waves with my hands for the first time in my life while the windows were down, and then we talked for hours and danced together on Muse.

My biggest fear, lately, c'est d'être trop exigente et de devoir réviser à la baisse ce que je crois être la moindre des choses pour une relation. Les compromis... parfois c'est terrible. Ahhh! Et c'est drôle, j'avais aussi remarqué cette carte postale cette semaine. Et si tu vas sur post secret France, t'as sûrement déjà vu deux de mes cartes postales!