Slightly Nostalgic/Drunken Review of Disney's Cinderella

0:12 – Worst. Opening Song. Ever.

3:13 – I want birds to pull back my drapes to awake me with the dawn’s rays.

3:43 – But if they tried to touch me or my comforters, I would fuck their shit.

4:18 – I know she just woke up and all, but bitch looks seriously high.

4:41 – Do they hold singing auditions for Disney Princesses? It seems like a prerequisite that birds and woodland creatures must enjoy your vocalizations in order to qualify.

5:14 – BAHAHAHA That mouse’s tail got all knotted up while he slept. PWNed.

5:53 – “Even they can’t order me to stop dreaming!” Deeeeeeeep shit.

7:03 – Why is it always the fat mouse scatting a descant?

7:12 – ZOMG YOU GUYS! CINDERELLA HAS NO TOE NAILS

8:26 – If all the mice (My drunken ass just said ‘mouses’ in my head.. No judgey.) are wearing outfits, isn’t the presence of a naked one kinda pornographic? I mean, he’s fat so you can’t see his junk…but still. Perverts.

8:43 – Jack the mouse: “Hey little guy, we rike-uh you!” Are all mice Asian?

11:54 – The dog just woke up. Is everybody stoned in this movie?! You just know that he and Cinderella totally 420 together.

21:19 – One of the step-sisters is a dead ringer for Olive Oyl

23:55 – Oh goodie, the king looks like the baron in Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang!

26:46 – “Oh siiiiing, sweet nighdngale, sing sweet nighdngale…” Hey, Ella, this isn’t the Apollo. Reconize.

27:17 – She’s harmonizing with her own reflection in a bubble. High confirmed.

27:37 – Female reflection barbershop quartet. Fuck me.

31:14 – CINDERELLIE, CINDERELLIE, NIGHT AND DAYS IT’S CINDERELLIE!

31:21 – For music geeks only: same chordal structure as ‘Be Our Guest’.

32:31 – “Leaving the sowing to the women; you go get some trimmin’.” This line caused then 16 year-old Gloria Steinam to burn her first training bra. Fact.

36:39 – If I had a mouse, I would totally bead its tail with a 9 year-old girl who just returned from a family vacation in St. Lucia.

41:23 – Frazzled-just-had-her-dress-torn-apart-by-step-sisters Cinderella totally looks like Jem. Way to be 150 years ahead of your time, girl.

42:11 – Aw, poor li’l snowflake is crying by her angel fountain. KIDS IN CHINA HAVE NO ANGEL FOUNTAIN.

43:08 – Why is the Fairy Godmother in KKK robes?

44:06 – “I would say the first thing we need is a pumpkin.” Crazy ol’ bitch.

44:19 – HOLY SHIT IT’S MOVING.

44:36 – For music geeks only pt 2: “Bibbidy-Boppity-Boo” = “We’re Off to See the Wizard” chordal structure. Mash-ups to follow.

44:41 – Does anyone else think that nonsense songs are just ways for untalented lyricists to fake it? No? Just me? Cool.

46:10 – So she turns the mice into horses and the horse into a coachman? This seems like far too much work.

46:11 – Actually, buckteeth aside, that’s a pretty hot coachman. I’d hit it.

47:09 – Um, nice dress, but a black choker? What is this, 1996? I don’t think so, buddy.

48:38 – I just counted the processional and there are 15 eligible young ladies in all of France. IS THE CENSUS TAKER STONED, TOO?! Christ on crutches…

51:09 – “Pompous windbag” is the “stupid motherfucker” of 1850s France.

54:45 – The clock just stuck midnight! Ok, I’m on my second bowl of popcorn, which I air popped on the stove with Crisco and a pot. Do any other grain-y-type-things pop or just corn. I mean, I guess rice pops, cause we have rice crispies. And there’s puffed wheat, too, I guess. Clearly, I’m not so engaged in this movie right now.

103:49 – Omg, bitch just locked Cinderella in her room! I forgot about this paaaaaart! It’ll be okay, Gus-Gus! It’ll be okaaaaaaay.

109:39 - THE CAT HAS TRAPPED THE MOUSE WITH THE TEA UNDER A TEACUP! SHIT JUST GOT INTENSE!

113:05 – Stepmother broke the glass slipper but it doesn’t matter cause Cinderella has the other one!!!!!! Ok, I just misted up.

113:43 – Wedding day. Still with the black choker. Really? REALLY?