They'll never love me

I know that no one reads this anymore. Hell, I don't even narcissisticly go and read backlogged posts anymore either. But I just can't have one more slutty tale to tell my friends that winds up being mostly me pseudo-apologising for being slutty in the first place. So hello Floygn my old friend, I've come to talk to you again.

A boy came over last night. 20 years old may fall into 'guy' territory but the entire experience felt very 'boy' so just go with it and stop interrupting me. He is from a small, extremely religious town a little over an hour outside my city. We'd been chatting via Grindr since the previous weekend. He appeared precocious, enthusiastic and far too complimentary to not throw up about a dozen red flags, none of which I saw.

We were chatting last night and the conversation veered into, shall we say, erotic make-believe.

"I'll come over. Right now. I'll do it lol"

We discussed it, I myself rationaling that I was less interested in a late-night hook up than meeting in daylight and just letting things unfold. But no, he was determined, and as exhausted as I was, it was pretty exciting.

He arrived and presented pretty much how I'd imagined. Tall, slender, an oversized hoodie over his gangly frame.

Clothes disappeared quick. Inhibitions soon followed. He responded to every touch like a man quenching his thirst after a month in the desert. The enthusiasm was...appreciate, but probably a bit telling.

After about an hour he came. As the last wave of his orgasm left him, it was replaced by a tidal of guilt and shame that gushed forth, tears spilling down his face.

This was so wrong. I shouldn't be here. They'll all hate me. I can't be gay. I can't. It's so unfair. I'm so alone.

No amount of soothing, physical nor verbal, helped at all. He cried himself to sleep before awaking suddenly, lying stiff as a board in my bed, not wanting to be touched, not wanting to talk. I tried curling around him, respecting his space but trying like an asshole to show that should he just roll over onto his side a wee bit, I was ready to be the all-comforting big spoon.

This did not happen. Instead at 3:30am he got out of bed, got dressed, whispered, "I'm sorry, David," into the darkness and left.

I sent him this message: I know we'll probably never speak again, but if at some point in the future you would let me know that you're alright, I would appreciate it.

But we and the internet know that isn't going to happen.

My neighbour/friend/nebulous fun buddy is going to a drug-fueled orgy tonight.

I wanna hit something.

Friends currently on FB chat...

...listed as I call them in my head.

-Funny girl I've never talked to that 'likes' errthang I do
-Super cool cousin I've met twice and want to be like/steal boyfriend from
-Former trainer/dykiest straight chick ever
-Good friend who's profile photo is still that of his dead dog. Sympathy...but take it down, yo
-Kid I met at a fake modeling gig whose beej-virginity I took
-Kinda needy boring would-look-good-minus-15-lbs chat guy
-Chick I met once through friends who thought I was funny so we like her
-Saskatoon friend with amazing hair and a huge ass I will never get all up in
-High school choir friend whose pubes I saw that one time
-Obese suburban friend with whom I have tons in common, obesity not withstanding
-High school best friend WHO NEEDS TO FUCKING TELL ME WHAT SONG SHE WANTS ME TO SING AT HER WEDDING IN 3 WEEKS
-Jew Gay with big ears
-Morbidly obese cousin
-Mother of the husband of the sister of a good friend who posts stupid shit about bunnies and breast cancer (sorry)
-Cantor who gave me a handy-j in Israel
-Guy who might sell me drugs if the first 5 people I call are not answering
-Aw, she was fun!
-Cousin with undisclosed mental retardation (legit)
-Hot South African that stole the role of Tevye from me by playing him with a Jamaican accent
-Macedonian friend of a friend who is so good-looking I want to bone then kill him
-Brazilian kid from Manhunt I have never talked to
-Demi-midget
-Bird girl that had a kid at 21


Sorry. Twitter has taken all the singular funny things I think about that normally become blog posts and turned them instant 140-character gratification. So just follow me on Twitter. Plus, I've accrued almost twice the followers there in two months than I have here in 7 years...so, ya know, suck on that.

Know what's ridiculous?

Keeping your shoes on just in case the guy you had coffee with a few hours ago spontaneously calls up and wants to hang out.

Know who's ridiculous? This guy.

ESL adventures on Grindr

Holy Shit Balls: Hey

Illustrious D: Hiya

HSB: Love? Big? Love

ID: Pardon?

HSB: Looking for love. What kind of love

ID: Platonic or romantic, long term for both

HSB: Ok

ID: You?

HSB: R u hung? Platonically speaking I'm hung

ID: You're platonically hung?

HSB: Looking for big love Yep .))

ID: What...does that mean?

HSB: And platonically HOTT

*sends me picture of his cock*

Too :))

ID: K thanks

HSB: U going?

ID: Not looking for that kind of love.

HSB: But that was platonic Platonic is not physical Ur def need to be clear.

5 Little Known Facts About This Kid

1. I know I gotta eat lettuce and stuff, but I feel that it subverts the pleasure of eating so rather than make a salad I like to just cut off a big chunk and eat it like a carrot. No dressing. Like a fucking man.

2. I have 2 out of 4 DVDs of the third season of Will & Grace because the "friend" that gave it to me thought it would be "cute" if we "shared" them. I think she's a "cheap-ass bitch." These ain't no travelin' pants.

3. People are always really, really surprised when they find out I've never been to Europe, which I've started to interpret as everyone thinking I'm a abnormally stuck up. Well, congrats on having been to London for 5 days on your grade 11 history trip. You still have a unibrow and no money.

4. I don't like getting frisky before bed or first thing in the morning. I'm tired. Fuck off. Plus, neither a Xanax or morning breath are particularly aphrodisialical. Or something. Come see me, like, before lunch or after the gym and than we'll talk nipple tweaking.

5. I'm on Twitter @theillustriousd. This one isn't funny, just fucking true. So get on that shit. I talk about black bus drivers always being late and why I'll die alone. Probably cause of the racism.